


The Backup Plan

by Ancalime1



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Feminist Themes, Fix-It, Gen, Humor, Ixnay on the Damsel in Distress trope, Parody, Poking fun at the incredibly confusing mythos of Kingdom Hearts, Screenplay/Script Format, Swearing, copious pop-culture references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-15 08:06:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9225989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ancalime1/pseuds/Ancalime1
Summary: A self-indulgent fix-it in which Kairi evolves from Damsel in Distress into Reluctant Hero. When Sora is inexplicably unable to wake up after his memory loss, Kairi is called upon instead to restore peace to the surrounding worlds.





	1. It Began with a Text

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by iheartmwpp’s “Yet Another Kingdom Hearts Parody” series. If you have not read any of her works, I highly encourage you to check them out!  
> I own none of the following: Kingdom Hearts, Sherlock, Rick & Morty, Princess Bride, The Legend of Korra, The Legend of Zelda, The Lord of the Rings, and anything of or pertaining to Disney and Square Enix.

**Chapter One: It Began with a Text**

In the White Room of the Twilight Town Mansion, a young woman named Naminé toils away at her desk…

 **Naminé:** *holding a desktop telephone to her head* Dammit woman, pick up.

 **DiZ:** *opens door* You gotten ahold of her yet?

 **Naminé:** Negative. You know, considering that she and I are basically the same person, this really shouldn’t be all that difficult. One would think that we would be able to communicate telepathically with each other or something.

 **DiZ:** This is a self-aware fan-fiction, not a fantasy RPG. *laughs* Look, she might just be busy right now. Why don’t you just shoot her a text?

 **Naminé:** This is a matter of immediate importance, DiZ. Also the only possessions I have are this desktop phone, my allegorical sketchpad, and the clothes on my back.

 **DiZ:** Here, use this. *tosses Naminé his cellphone* Wait, how is it that you don’t own anything? You work full-time for me, you should at least be able to afford some toiletries or something.

 **Naminé:** I am a quasi-existent entity. I have no need of toiletries. *types up a quick text and sends it* Think she’ll get it?

 **DiZ:** Probably. Remind me again why you don’t just use a Dark Corridor to contact her?

 **Naminé:** Because the Organization may be monitoring the Corridors, and it’s likely that they’d be able to trace us here if I activated one.

 **DiZ:** Bullshit, that isn’t mentioned anywhere in the franchise.

 **Naminé:** No, but it makes _sense_ . The Organization knows perfectly well that as beings of darkness, Riku and I would be able to use the Corridors wherever and whenever we wanted. You’d think that they’d keep an eye on that sort of thing, especially if we were constantly teleporting in and out of the place where _Sora’s body_ was being kept.

 **DiZ:** Fair enough. So, what do we do in the meantime?

 **Naminé:** *shrugs* Wait, I guess. No telling how long she’ll take to get back, though.

 **DiZ:** …

 **Naminé:** …

 **DiZ:** ...I’m gonna order takeout.

 **Naminé:** Good idea.

 -----------------------

Meanwhile, in the remote location that is Destiny Islands…

 **Phone:** *Buzzes*

 **Kairi:** *Is asleep*

 **Selphie:** *Is standing over her like a creep* ‘Sup.

 **Kairi:** GAH! Selphie, what’re you doing in my room?

 **Selphie:** Standing over you like a creep. Y’know, your phone’s been ringing for like, an hour.

 **Kairi:** ...Is that how long you’ve been in here?

 **Selphie:** Maybe.

 **Kairi:** *gets up* Okay, no comment. *picks up phone* Huh, fifty-five missed calls. Oh, and a text.

 **Selphie:** From who?

 **Kairi:** Fucked if I know—whoever they are, they’re not in my contacts. *reads text* “The Old Mansion in Twilight Town. Come if convenient. If inconvenient, come anyway.”

 **Selphie:** That’s not ominous.

 **Kairi:** Neither is you watching me sleep, apparently.

 **Selphie:** Oh please, I do that every morning.

 **Kairi:** You what?

 **Selphie:** I wonder where Twilight Town is.

 **Kairi:** Oh. No idea.

 **Phone:** *buzzes*

 **Kairi:** Great, another one.

 **Selphie:** What’s it say?

 **Kairi:** Let’s see: “if you need more incentive to leave, you are needed in a matter concerning your friend, Sora.” Oh.

 **Selphie:** ...Holy shit.

 **Kairi:** Yeah. Okay Selphie, I need to borrow your portal gun.

 **Selphie:** What? Why?

 **Kairi:** For getting to Twilight Town, duh.

 **Selphie:** Oh no. Don’t tell me you’re actually thinking of going.

 **Kairi:** ...I mean I thought that was already implied, but yes, that was exactly what I was thinking.

 **Selphie:** Why? You don’t even know who sent the text!

 **Kairi:** Look, acting as the voice of reason doesn’t really suit you, Selphie. Though admittedly I have never played FFVIII and therefore have no inkling of what you’re actually like as a person.

 **Selphie:** But you’ve known me for years!

 **Kairi:** No, I really haven’t. *rummages through dresser* How much for the portal gun?

 **Selphie:** Dude, I’m not letting you go. I’m seriously freaked out by this, and you should be too.

 **Kairi:** I never said I _wasn’t_ freaked out. But this is kind of a big deal, considering I haven’t heard from Sora in like, what, a year? Yeah, pretty sure it’s been a year.

 **Selphie:** But that doesn’t mean you should go gallivanting off to some strange place just because some stranger told you to. It’s not sensible.

 **Kairi:** A year, Selphie! A _year_. What if he’s in danger?

 **Selphie:** ...Then you shouldn’t be putting yourself in that same danger.

 **Kairi:** Stop undermining my plan with logic!

 **Selphie:** Stop making stupid decisions!

 **Kairi:** Stop watching me when I’m unconscious!

 **Selphie:** That—hm…

 **Kairi:** Look dude, I just wanna go and see what this is all about. And if you lend me the portal gun, at least I’ll be armed. That make you feel a little better?

 **Selphie:** ...Is there any point in trying to talk you out of this?

 **Kairi:** Nope. Here, I’ll trade you some tampons for the gun. Deal?

 **Selphie:** Tampons? Are you serious?

 **Kairi:** Do we have a deal or not?

 **Selphie:** ...Fine.

 **Kairi:** That’s more like it. *palms her a package of tampons in exchange for the gun* Okay. I’ll probably be back soon, maybe. *activates a green portal à la Rick and Morty*

 **Selphie:** Kairi, before you go, I must once more express that I am extremely opposed to you going to Twilight Town by yourself.

 **Kairi:** ...You wanna come with?

 **Selphie:** Hell no.

 **Kairi:** That’s fair. *warps out*

\-----------------------

 **Old Mansion:** *is there*

 **Kairi:** *warps in* I can’t believe that actually worked. *looks at the mansion* So, like, do I have to go inside or something…?

 **Blonde Girl With What Appears To Be Takeout:** Oh hey, you actually made it!

 **Kairi:** Um, hi. You feel familiar to me for some reason. Also, are you the one who texted me?

 **Blonde Girl:** Yep. Call me Naminé. Do you like Chinese food?

 **Kairi:** I… guess? Look, I came because I was worried about Sora. Is he okay?

 **Naminé:** *opens mansion door and gestures for Kairi to follow* Relatively speaking, yes.

 **Kairi:** _Relatively speaking_? The hell is that supposed to mean?

 **Naminé:** ...Uh, just follow me, please. Would you like a spring roll?

 **Kairi:** No thanks.

 **Naminé:** Suit yourself. *leads Kairi to the Pod Room*

 **Pod Room:** *is there*

 **Kairi** : Huh. Looks like a gigantic egg or something.

 **Naminé:** Sora’s in there.

 **Kairi:** ...what.

 **Naminé:** Okay, let me explain. *pauses* No, there is too much. Let me sum up. About a year ago, Sora’s memory got all kinds of fucked up. Now, admittedly that was mostly my fault, but I was kind of coerced into doing it by some really nasty dudes, so kindly lay off me.

 **Kairi:** I wasn’t gonna say anyth… uh, never mind, continue.

 **Naminé:** That’s what I thought. Anyways, when Sora murdered said nasty dudes for me, I was beginning to feel pretty damn guilty about what I had done to him. So I decided to put him and his friends into stasis chambers so that I could repair their memories and crap. You follow?

 **Kairi:** So far, yes.

 **Naminé:** Well, here’s where it gets good. Once he went inside the chamber, everyone that he had ever come into contact with forgot who he was—including you.

 **Kairi:** Okay, that actually makes sense, since I remember having forgotten about him. Wait. The fuck did I just say?

 **Naminé:** Don’t think about it too much, you’ll just get even more confused.

 **Kairi:**...Right. So, um, how is it that I can remember him again if he’s still asleep?

 **Naminé:** It’s a bit tricky. See, everyone started remembering Sora when his Nobody merged with him.

 **Kairi:** Nice.

 **Naminé:** ...What, you know what a Nobody is already?

 **Kairi:** Well, no. But if I have to listen to any more exposition, I think my ears are gonna fall off.

 **Naminé:** Fair enough. So, any questions?

 **Kairi:** Yeah. Why isn’t he awake yet?

 **Naminé:** ...Um, well, you may want to sit down first.

 **Kairi:** Okay, I don’t like where this is going. *sits down*

 **Naminé:** I contacted you because Sora and his companions weren’t waking up, despite the fact that they were supposed to a long time ago. Like, a _long_ time ago.

 **Kairi:** …

 **Naminé:** *nervously* But, uh, not to worry! I am absolutely certain that they will come to in no time!

 **Kairi:** …

 **Naminé:** Look man, he signed the consent forms and everything. What do you want from me.

 **Kairi:** Fucking Christ. *facepalms*

 **Naminé:** ...Look, I know you must be feeling pretty stressed out, but there’s actually more.

 **Kairi:** *groans* There’s always more, isn’t there?

 **Naminé:** ...Do you need a few minutes to process all of this?

 **Kairi:** A few hours, actually.

 **Naminé:** *sighs* Just as well, the food’s starting to get cold. *opens door* Come find me in the computer room when you’re ready.

 **Kairi:** Where’s that?

 **Door:** *slams shut*

 **Kairi:** Fucking why do I bother. *goes over to the egg thing and knocks on it* Sora, you really in there?

 **Egg thing:** *is an egg thing*

 **Kairi:** Come on. Wake up already, you lazy bum.

 **Egg thing:** *continues to be an egg thing*

 **Kairi:** ...Well this is depressing.

 **A few hours:** *happens*

 **Kairi:** *makes her way out of the Pod Room and to the Library* Logic tells me the computer room must be close by. Why am I talking out loud. *goes over to the center table, which has a scribble on it, as well as a yellow crayon and a sticky note*

 **Kairi:** *reads sticky note* “You see this scribble? Finish it and a staircase will appear.” Yeah, no thanks. *activates a portal with her gun and warps out of the library and into the computer room*

 **Naminé:** *talking to DiZ through a mouthful of lo mein* And I was like, “Look, he signed the consent forms and everything.” And she was like… how the fuck did you get here?

 **Kairi:** Portal gun. I can’t draw with crayons. *looks at DiZ* Whoa. Are you a mummy?

 **DiZ:** No, I’m a daddy.

 **Kairi:** …

 **Naminé:** …

 **DiZ:** ...Forget I said that.

 **Naminé:** Gladly. Kairi, this is DiZ. He’s my boss.

 **Kairi:** Good to meet you. *points at Naminé* Please fire her.

 **Naminé:** Well screw you too.

 **DiZ:** It’s not her fault, Kairi. We actually have no idea why the boy isn’t waking up.

 **Kairi:** I know, but I’m currently traversing the five stages of grief. It’s a bit hard for me to think rationally right now since my best friend could potentially be dead.

 **DiZ:** That’s fair.

 **Naminé:** So anyways, the second reason why we summoned you here is because you can wield a keyblade.

 **Kairi:** I what?

 **Naminé:** You can wield a keyblade.

 **Kairi:** ...I heard you, but what do you mean?

 **Naminé:** I mean you can wield a keyblade. Christ, woman, this ain’t rocket science.

 **Kairi:** Okay, but _how._

 **Naminé:** Well, are you prepared for more exposition?

 **Kairi:** Hell no.

 **Naminé:** Too bad. Years ago, when you were a wee lass, you touched a keyblade.

 **Kairi:** Kinky.

 **Naminé:** Shut up. By doing this, you accidentally initiated a Keyblade Inheritance Ceremony.

 **Kairi:** Do all of those words have to be capitalized?

 **Naminé:** They’re called proper nouns, you half-wit.

 **Kairi:** Fine. So I inherited the ability to use a keyblade?

 **Naminé:** Yes, that is what I just finished explaining to you.

 **Kairi:** Sweet. *tries to summon a keyblade and fails* Hey, why isn’t this working? *tries again and fails. Again.* Come on already… AIRBEND!

 **Naminé:** Give it time, you literally just found out about this two minutes ago.

 **Kairi:** But you’re making this sound like a matter of immediate importance. I should be able to summon it right now.

 **Naminé:** Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be able to the moment you engage yourself in a dangerous situation. It’s kind of a deus ex machina that way.

 **Kairi:** Oh. Okay then. *turns to DiZ* So I can use a keyblade. What now?

 **DiZ:** Well, the long and short of it is that a whole bunch of planets are experiencing some trouble with monsters and shit. Sora was supposed to wake up and save these planets, but, well, you know.

 **Kairi:** I know.

 **DiZ:** Do you see where I’m going with this here?

 **Kairi:** I think. So basically you want me to fill in for Sora by going to these planets and killing all the monsters.

 **DiZ:** Yep.

 **Kairi:** *looks down at her ridiculous pink dress* Well shit, I’m gonna need to change into some Practical Attire™.

 **DiZ:** That would be wise.

 **Kairi:** *whips out portal gun* Just gimme a sec, I’ll be right back. *warps out of computer room and back into her dorm*

 **Selphie:** *is unconscious on Kairi’s bed*

 **Kairi:** Aww, that’s actually kind of cute. *rummages through closet* Let’s see… cargo pants, t-shirt, and hiking boots. Now that’s what I call Practical Attire™. *starts undressing*

 **Selphie:** *wakes up to see Kairi’s nigh naked ass* Oh. Always good to see _you_ around.

 **Kairi:** Oh. Hey Selphie.

 **Selphie:** *sits up* So, how’d it go? And what’s up with the Practical Attire™?

 **Kairi:** I have to visit a bunch of planets and kill monsters and shit.

 **Selphie:** ...what.

 **Kairi:** I have to do what Sora did last year.

 **Selphie:** ...what.

 **Kairi:** Yeah, I know. I’m actually pretty stoked. *finishes dressing* Goddamn do I feel practical.

 **Selphie:** That’s great for you. So who’s telling you to kill monsters?

 **Kairi:** Some guy in a mask.

 **Selphie:** ...uh-huh.

 **Kairi:** It’s because Sora is comatose.

 **Selphie:** What?

 **Kairi:** Yeah. So now I have to do his job and crap.

 **Selphie:** ...Then I imagine you’re going to be needing my portal gun still?

 **Kairi:** Yep!

 **Selphie:** *crosses arms* Fine. Just be careful.

 **Kairi:** Aye-aye. *activates a portal*

 **Selphie:** Wait, before you go. Am I ever gonna see you again?

 **Kairi:** Beats me.

 **Selphie:** ...Am I even gonna show up in this script ever again?

 **Kairi:** Probably not.

 **Selphie:** That’s fair. *sighs* Well, seeya, I guess.

 **Kairi:** Aww… I’m gonna miss you. *warps out, but not before giving her a hug*

 **Computer room:** *is there*

 **Kairi:** *warps in, sniffling*

 **DiZ:** ...Are you crying?

 **Kairi:** No. Shut up.

 **DiZ:** M’kay.

 **Naminé:** Nice Practical Attire™.

 **Kairi:** Thanks.

 **Naminé:** Well, you’re almost set to go. Just need a Gummi ship—

 **Kairi:** What’s a Gummi ship.

 **Naminé:** It’s a dorky looking spaceship.

 **Kairi:** Oh, you mean that teletubby looking thing that Sora used to ride around in last year?

 **Naminé:** That’s the one.

 **Kairi:** I’m all set, thanks. *pats portal gun*

 **Naminé:** Huh, I guess that works. *shrugs* So before you go, we should probably give you the lowdown of what you’ll be up against.

 **Kairi:** That’d be nice.

 **DiZ:** We prepared a slideshow and everything. *turns on a projector*

 **Kairi:** Er…

 **Naminé:** Observe. *clicks on a remote*

 **Projector screen:** *Has a photograph of a Shadow Heartless on it*

 **Kairi:** Oh, I’ve seen those before. Sora turned into one for like two seconds, I think.

 **Naminé:** Correct. They’re called Heartless, and they’re basically just evil pokémon that terrorize people for fun. They come in all sorts of different types, but… well, you’ll know ‘em when you see ‘em.

 **Kairi:** ...Right. And these are the ones that _have_ hearts, yeah?

 **Naminé:** So glad I don’t have to explain that bit to you. Yeah, the ‘Heartless’ are the ones _with_ the hearts. Try not to think about it too much.

 **Kairi:** M’kay.

 **Naminé:** ONWARD TO THE NEXT SLIDE! *clicks to the next slide, which has a picture of a Dusk on it* This is a Nobody—a Dusk, to be exact.

 **Kairi:** Yeesh, what a creepy little bastard.

 **Naminé:** You watch your fucking mouth.

 **Kairi:** What?

 **Naminé:** Nothing. *clears her throat* Anyways, Nobodies are kind of like Heartless. In fact if you ask me, the names should be flip-flopped because Nobodies don’t actually have hearts, whereas Heartless do. *shrugs* This franchise kind of has a problem with semantics in that regard.

 **Kairi:** No kidding.

 **Naminé:** Yep. Anyways, most Nobodies will try to attack you, so do kill them. But, if by chance you come across a benevolent Nobody, kindly refrain from murdering them.

 **Kairi:** I’ll do my best.

 **Naminé:** Fucking thank you. *clicks to the next slide, which has a picture of a few of the Organization members* Now, these are examples of _cognizant_ Nobodies.

 **Kairi:** But they look like actual humans—

 **Naminé:** *is visibly offended* _Well of course we_ —Er, of course _they_ do. Unlike the Dusks, they are highly intelligent beings, just as humans are. The only difference is that they don’t exist.

 **Kairi:** Oh. Well that sucks.

 **Naminé:** Tell me about it. *taps on the projector screen* These guys in the hoods belong to a group called Organization XIII. I’m not exactly sure what their goal is, but I know that DiZ has a personal beef with them.

 **Kairi:** Oh?

 **DiZ:** ...I don’t want to talk about it. Just kill the bastards.

 **Kairi:** M’kay.

 **Naminé:** Ah, but remember to leave the nice ones alone.

 **Kairi:** ...Right.

 **Naminé:** Well, how’re we doing so far, champ?

 **Kairi:** Fine I guess. And don’t call me that.

 **Naminé:** Fair enough. Well, your first objective is to travel to Hollow Bastion and kill all of the monsters there. Oh, and you should probably help its denizens and unlock the keyhole or whatever.

 **Kairi:** Oh, Hollow Bastion. That shouldn’t be traumatic.

 **Naminé:** Problem?

 **Kairi:** Yeah, but I’ll get over it. *activates a portal*

 **Naminé:** Wait, before you go—it’s dangerous to go alone. Take this. *gives Kairi a really heavy backpack*

 **Kairi:** Uh, thanks. *shoulders backpack* Yeesh, this is heavier than my bookbag at home. What’s all in here?

 **Naminé:** First-aid kit, canteen, space blanket, canned food, and some Real Elvish Rope™ —all from yours truly.

 **Kairi:** This is starting to sound less “magical adventure” and more “survival in emergencies.”

 **Naminé:** Well, it’s just as DiZ told me: This is a self-aware fan-fiction, not a fantasy RPG. Now fuck off.

 **Kairi:** ...Right. Okay then. Bye I guess. *steps through portal and warps out*

 **Naminé:** Quick learner, that one.

 **DiZ:** Yep.

 **Naminé:** I kind of feel bad about her going alone, though. Shoulda sent her with a couple of token Disney characters or something.

 **DiZ:** She’ll be fine.

 **Door:** *opens*

 **Naminé:** Oh, ‘sup, Riku!

 **Riku:** *closes door behind him* I told you, my name is Ansem.

 **Naminé:** No it’s not. Did you bring groceries?

 **Riku:** ...Yeah, they’re up in the foyer.

 **Naminé:** Sweet. So DiZ and I just sent Kairi off on her first quest—

 **Riku:** You what.

 **Naminé:** ...DiZ and I just sent Kairi off on her first quest. Christ, I feel like I’m a broken record with you people.

 **Riku:** I heard you the first time. Just what the hell are you guys thinking?!

 **DiZ:** Dude, she can wield a keyblade, she’s totally got this.

 **Naminé:** Plus if you were _that_ worried about her, you’d go with her. In fact, she’s over at Hollow Bastion right now, if you’re interested.

 **Riku:** Oh, Hollow Bastion. That shouldn’t be traumatic.

 **Naminé:** Again, if you were _that_ worried about her...

 **Riku:** Fine, fine, I get it already.

 **Naminé:** Good. Here, we saved you some fortune cookies.

 **Riku:** I told you already, I’m trying to go gluten-free. Wheat makes my face break out.

 **Naminé:** Hey, no pain, no game. *cracks open cookie and reads fortune out loud* “Every little thing is gonna be alright.” Well, there you go, Riku.

 **Riku:** ...That’s not a fortune, those are lyrics to a Bob Marley song.

 **Naminé:** But they’re still applicable in this situation. Cheer up, buttercup.

 **Riku:** Fucking why do I hang out with you people.


	2. Holy Bastion, Batman!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _So now that I’ve kind of established Kairi as the protagonist, I’m going to be roughly following the events that transpire in-game, minus all the Final Mix content._   
>  _That being said, I own none of the following: Avatar: The Last Airbender, Skyrim, The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Naruto, the Silmarillion, and anything of or pertaining to Disney or Square Enix. If I had, there would be no such thing as a ‘Disney Princess,’ and Sora would most likely have been a girl. That is all._

**Chapter Two: Holy Bastion, Batman!**

In this installment, we find our heroine arriving in the bustling marketplace of Hollow Bastion….

 **Kairi:** *accidentally warps into a vegetable stand and is now immersed within a sea of cabbages* Well this could have gone a lot better.

 **Vendor** : Vegetables as crisp as a winter’s morning! Get them before they’re gone—*looks down to see Kairi’s head emerge from the cabbages* GAH!

 **Kairi:** Hi there. There is probably a rational explanation for this.

 **Vendor:** ...G-get out of there this instant, or I’m calling the cops!

 **Kairi:** Right, right, I’m on it. *eventually heaves herself out of the vegetable vat, but not without accidentally toppling over some cabbages*

 **Vendor:** MY CABBAGES!

 **Kairi:** Uh… I’m sorry… here, let me help you with those. *goes to collect the wayward cabbages*

 **Vendor:** Oh, they’re ruined! You foolish girl—I can’t sell these!

 **Kairi:** Here, I’ll buy ‘em off of you. *rummages through backpack* Wait, shit, I don’t have any munny. Uh, you wanna trade? I have some canned peas in here…

 **Vendor:** ...Just get out of here.

 **Kairi:** ...’Kay. *gets out of there* Well, that was embarrassing. Damn portal gun. *continues down street* Wonder if Grandma’s still alive… they never really did bring her up again after the first game... shit, I’m talking out loud again. *continues walking*

 **Shriek:** *is heard*

 **Kairi:** Heheh, I thought that said “Shrek” at first. *pauses* Wait. Shit, someone’s in trouble! *does the hero-run in the direction of the shriek*

 **Nondescript person in alleyway:** *is being attacked by a couple of Dusks* Will someone fucking help me already?!

 **Kairi:** *skids to a halt in the alleyway* Hang on, Mister! I’ll save you! *tries to summon keyblade* Um… uh…

 **Nondescript person:** *stares at her*

 **Dusks:** *also stare at her*

 **Kairi:** Uh, just a moment! *continuously tries (and fails) to summon a keyblade* Stupid thing… c’mon, work already!

 **Nondescript person:** You have a _gun_ on your hip!

 **Kairi:** Oh, uh, right! *whips out portal gun and attempts to blast the two Dusks in the face*

 **Portal gun:** *Misses both of the Dusks and instead blasts a hole in the wall. Twice.*

 **Kairi:** Oh Goddammit.

 **Voice:** Oi! Leave this to me, short-stuff!

 **Kairi:** Huh?

 **Dusks:** *are suddenly beaten out of their non-existent existence by a Lady With Outrageously Tall Shoes*

 **Kairi:** Uhh...

 **Nondescript person:** *runs off*

 **Lady With Outrageously Tall Shoes:** Yeah, you’re welcome, guy. *turns to Kairi* Hey, dude! Long time no see!

 **Kairi:** *stares at her for a considerable amount of time before answering* Oh! Uh… hey, you!

 **Tall Shoes:** You forgot my name, didn’t you.

 **Kairi:** Uh...

 **Tall Shoes:** Whatever, it’s cool, I guess. Name’s Yuffie. You’re Kairi, right?

 **Kairi:** Tragically, yes.

 **Yuffie:** Tragically?

 **Kairi:** ...Did you not witness the major shitshow I threw just now?

 **Yuffie:** What, that? Don’t beat yourself up about it, kid. *claps a hand on Kairi’s shoulder* Have you actually ever fought anything before?

 **Kairi:** That obvious, huh?

 **Yuffie:** Heh, only a little.

 **Kairi:** ...Great.

 **Yuffie:** Hey, it’s the effort that counts. I didn’t see anyone else jump to the rescue, so good on you.

 **Kairi:** Hmph.

 **Yuffie:** So, I hope you don’t mind my asking, but d’ya happen to know where Sora is right now? We were kind of expecting him and his crew to show up, what with all the shit that’s been going on down here.

 **Kairi:** I’m, uh, filling in for him. He’s… he’s comatose right now.

 **Yuffie:** What?

 **Kairi:** It’s complicated. Something about him losing his memories and not being able to wake up, I guess.

 **Yuffie:** Oh. That sucks.

 **Kairi:** ...Your sympathy is overwhelming.

 **Yuffie:** What’re we talking about again?

 **Kairi:** Never mind.

 **Yuffie:** So you’re taking over for Sora, then?

 **Kairi:** That is what I just finished explaining to you, yes.

 **Yuffie:** Rad. Say, do you remember everyone from Traverse Town?

 **Kairi:** Vaguely.

 **Yuffie:** Great! See, we’re all trying to patch up the town and stuff, but we need some help getting rid of all these monsters first.

 **Kairi:** Ah.

 **Yuffie:** You down?

 **Kairi:** Well, that’s actually what I’m supposed to be doing here, anyways.

 **Yuffie:** So you’ll do it?

 **Kairi:** *defeatedly* Yeah, but to be completely honest with you, I’m beginning to think that I’m not cut out for this kind of stuff.

 **Yuffie:** Great! I’ll show you where our hideout is.

 **Kairi:** The fuck did I just say—ugh, fine, whatever. *follows Yuffie down the alleyway*

\-----------------------

Meanwhile, a coven of suspect characters plot within the slums of Hollow Bastion…

 **Cid:** *is clattering away at a keyboard* Aerith, stop installing all of these mods onto my Skyrim. They’re making the loading screens run longer!

 **Aerith:** *from beside Cid* Didn’t I download one that would cut the loading time in half?

 **Cid:** ...It won’t matter if all of these _other_ mods are overwhelming the damn software!

 **Aerith:** Oh admit it, you like the Hobbit Hole one.

 **Cid:** Okay, true, I am a fan of the Hobbit Hole.

 **Leon:** *on the other side of Cid* The hell is a hobbit.

 **Yuffie:** *bursts through door with Kairi in tow* ‘SUP, NERDS!

 **Aerith:** Ayyyyy.

 **Leon:** Ayyyyy.

 **Yuffie:** Ayyyyy.

 **Cid:** Fuck off, all of you.

 **Kairi:** Hi there. I exist.

 **Cid:** That’s great for you. Who are you again?

 **Yuffie:** She’s that one side character we met last year, remember?

 **Cid:** Vaguely.

 **Kairi:** My sentiments exactly. You guys mind if I set my backpack down? It’s pretty heavy.

 **Yuffie:** Sure, make yourself at home.

 **Kairi:** Sweet. *sets backpack down with a loud _thunk*_

 **Yuffie:** Alright, Kairi, time to jog your memory. *points at Leon* Who’s the broody guy standing over there?

 **Kairi:** Uh… Squall, I think?

 **Leon:** It’s actually Le—

 **Yuffie:** —Close enough! How ‘bout the lady in pink?

 **Kairi:** ...Aeris?

 **Aerith:** Close. I’m Aerith. It’s a bit confusing, I understand.

 **Yuffie:** Aight, and how ‘bout the geezer in the middle?

 **Kairi:** Oh, that’s an easy one. *to Cid* Your name is Sid, right?

 **Cid:** It’s Cid.

 **Kairi:** That’s what I said.

 **Cid:** Well you spelled it wrong.

 **Kairi:** What?

 **Yuffie:** So anyways, this kid is gonna help us clear out the heartless. Isn’t that right?

 **Kairi:** I guess?

 **Yuffie:** Well then! *pats Kairi on the back* Welcome to the Restoration Committee, buddy!

 **Kairi:** Thanks.

 **Leon:** Yeah, no offense or anything, but I don’t think this is gonna work.

 **Kairi:** What? Why not?

 **Leon:** Kid, what we actually need is a keyblade wielder. Normal weapons—I’m assuming that gun you have there is your weapon—cause the heartless to respawn later. You’d actually need a keyblade to get rid of the bastards for good.

 **Kairi:** But I can wield a keyblade.

 **Leon:** Wow, so can I!

 **Kairi:** ...Really?

 **Leon:** No.

 **Kairi:** Hey, I was being serious! *once more tries to summon the keyblade* Okay, _theoretically speaking,_ I can wield a keyblade.

 **Leon:** How?

 **Kairi:** I touched one when I was little.

 **Leon:** Kinky.

 **Kairi:** That’s not what I meant, and you know it.

 **Leon:** Still funny, though.

 **Kairi:** Look, guy, I went through some special ceremony when I was younger, and _supposedly_ I’m now supposed to be able to wield a keyblade.

 **Leon:** That’s great for you. Why isn’t Sora here, again?

 **Kairi:** He’s… well… he’s comatose.

 **Leon:** Oh, that sucks.

 **Kairi:** *sincerely* Yeah, I know.

 **Leon:** What’re we talking about again?

 **Kairi:** Fucking why do I bother.

 **Cid:** Look, kid, we appreciate you trying to help and all. But Squall’s right, we need a keyblade user, not just any old rando.

 **Leon:** Thank you, Cid. And remember, my name is Le—

 **Aerith:** —You’re still welcome to join us, though. This was your hometown too, yes? Maybe you’d like to help us fix it up a bit?

 **Kairi:** I guess? *pauses* Look, I know you guys don’t believe me, and I get it, it’s not like there’s any empirical evidence that I can produce to make you guys think otherwise. But I really can do it… I think maybe I just might be a late bloomer or something.

 **Yuffie, Aerith, Leon, and Cid:** …

 **Kairi:** Hell, I wouldn’t even be surprised if that was the case—I mean, it took me until I was like twelve years old to learn how to ride a bike.

 **Yuffie, Aerith, Leon, and Cid:** …

 **Kairi:** ...Or maybe this is some kind of sick prank that the plot is trying to pull because Naminé called it a deus ex machina, I dunno.

 **Yuffie:** Who’s Naminé?

 **Leon:** What’s a deus ex machina?

 **Kairi:**  *patiently* Okay, so, Naminé is this one omniscient bitch who told me that I was a wielder in the first place, and a deus ex machina is a type of plot device that…well…  *trails off*

 **Yuffie:** What’s wrong?

 **Kairi:** ...Okay, maybe you guys are right.

 **Leon:** *defensively* Oh, is that a bad thing, now?

 **Kairi:** No, it’s just… never mind, I don’t want to talk about it.

 **Yuffie, Leon, and Cid:** ...

 **Aerith:** Oh, my.

 **Kairi:** What?

 **Yuffie:** *smirking* Uh-oh.

 **Kairi:** _What?_

 **Aerith:** Yuffie, I need you to go and fetch the Freudian Couch.

 **Kairi:** Excuse me, the _what_ couch?

 **Yuffie:** I’m on it. *leaves*

 **Cid:** I was wondering how long it would take her to do that.

 **Kairi:** I’m sorry, take her to do what?

 **Cid:** Talk therapy. It’s kind of her thing.

 **Kairi:** Talk therapy? I… is this really necessary?

 **Leon:** Don’t worry, she does this to all of us.

 **Kairi:** Really?

 **Leon:** Yep. Don’t try to fight it, just let her work her magic.

 **Kairi:** ...And now you’ve gone and made it weird.

 **Aerith:** *putting a hand on Kairi’s shoulder* Believe me, this will be well worth your while. Though I barely know you, I have gathered that you are currently experiencing an immense internal crisis stemming from a particularly low self-esteem.

 **Kairi:** ...the fuck...

 **Aerith:** Don’t feel the need to respond right away. Allow yourself to process it first.

 **Kairi:** What… but… how could you possibly know that?!

 **Aerith:** I didn’t, but thanks for confirming it for me.

 **Kairi:** _Goddammit._

 **Yuffie:** *returns, balancing the Freudian Couch with one hand and setting it down on the floor* Here ya go!

 **Kairi:** How the hell did you pick that up with one hand?

 **Aerith:** Never mind that. Kairi, lie down.

 **Kairi:** But—

 **Aerith:** DO IT.

 **Kairi:** M’kay. *lies down on couch and stares at the ceiling* So you’re gonna try and detect my innermost fears and insecurities through talk therapy?

 **Aerith:** That is my goal, yes.

 **Kairi:** Are you licensed to do that?

 **Aerith:** Don’t worry about it.

 **Kairi:** Y’know, come to think of it, I’m pretty sure I left my health insurance card at home.

 **Aerith:** *a little impatiently* Look, just don’t worry about all that stuff right now. Pretend I’m licensed, and pretend I have your insurance information.

 **Kairi:** ...Frankly, both of those concepts frighten me.

 **Aerith:** I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. *produces a notepad from somewhere* Now, Kairi. Can you tell me what’s going through your mind right now?

 **Kairi:** But I—

 **Aerith:** DO IT.

 **Kairi:** Uh, fine. *pauses to think for a moment* My mind says that it’s uncomfortable with all of the people in the room that will ultimately bear witness to me confessing all of my behavioral flaws out loud.

 **Aerith:** Very well. *turns to face everyone else* I need you all to fuck off real quick.

 **Everyone else:** *Fucks off real quick*

 **Aerith:** Better?

 **Kairi:** I guess…? *peers at Aerith* Why are you doing this for me, again?

 **Aerith:** Because helping people is what I do. Now tell me about your goddamn problems already.

 **Kairi:** Uh, okay. *pauses again* Let’s see… I have problems with making friends. I haven’t seen my biological family in, like, ten years. I have trouble sleeping at night. I am deathly afraid of public speaking.

 **Aerith:** ...Okay, that was kind of a lot, can you maybe narrow that down a bit for me?

 **Kairi:** Okay. *tries to “narrow it down” for her* I am deathly afraid of sleeping with biological friends in public.

 **Aerith:** The hell… wait, no, that’s not what I meant.

 **Kairi:** What do you mean, then?

 **Aerith:** Okay, just forget what I said before. Here, why don’t you tell me about your problems regarding the keyblade?

 **Kairi:** Okay, hang on a sec. I know you mentioned Freud before... is the keyblade supposed to represent some kind of phallic object that will ultimately serve as an illustration of my sexual insecurities/frustrations or something?

 **Aerith:** No. You’re thinking way too much into it. Besides, that wouldn’t be possible since you’re obviously a lesbian.

 **Kairi:** I’m a what?

 **Aerith:** You’re a wizard, Harry.

 **Kairi:** Okay, now you’re just fucking with me.

 **Aerith:** Kairi, I’m flattered, but that would be a violation of ethics. You and I must maintain a strict therapist-client relationship.

 **Kairi:** No, that’s not what I...

 **Aerith:** In other words, I am not fucking with you.

 **Kairi:** Goddammit, that’s not what I meant, and you know it. Look, I could be wrong, but I could’ve sworn I heard you say something about me being a lesbian.

 **Aerith:** Yes. But don’t worry about it, that’s not important right now.

 **Kairi:** ...I’m getting really mixed signals here.

 **Aerith:** That’s great for you. So, the keyblade?

 **Kairi:** Yeah. Some girl told me I had the ability to wield one… and, not gonna lie, I got pretty damn excited about it.

 **Aerith:** And what sparked that excitement for you?

 **Kairi:** I guess… it’s because my whole life, I’ve just kind of been the female side character that did jackshit while my two best friends went off and saved the world. I was starting to feel pretty useless… and I guess this whole time I just wanted to feel like I was actually important, y’know?

 **Aerith:** And you think that being able to wield a keyblade would give you a sense of importance?

 **Kairi:** ...Kinda, yeah.

 **Aerith:** Tell me, what do you think of me and Yuffie and the others? You know, us non-keyblade wielding folk?

 **Kairi:** Well obviously I think you’re all pretty cool people—well, except for that Squall guy, he’s kind of a dick—but other than that, I… oh, I see what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to give me examples of exceptional people who don’t wield keyblades to make me feel better about not being able to summon my own.

 **Aerith:** Yahtzee.

 **Kairi:** Look, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but _everyone_ in my franchise can use one. Like, there’s even this one asshole redhead that can suddenly use one because the plot needed him to or whatever. I mean, he wasn’t even supposed to be all that important!

 **Aerith:** An asshole redhead that wasn’t supposed to be all that important? Funny, I seem to know someone who matches that exact criteria.

 **Kairi:** Hey… Wait, what are you saying?

 **Aerith:** I’m saying that if _everyone_ can wield a keyblade in your franchise, then, shit, why not you too?

 **Kairi:** I… OHHHH.

 **Aerith:** Do you see where I’m going with this here?

 **Kairi:** *tiny smile* I think. Are we done, then?

 **Aerith:** Well, I mean, it’s kind of unhealthy that the entirety of your self-esteem depends on whether or not you have the ability to summon some dorky key-sword thing, but sure, we can be done.

 **Kairi:** Uh...

 **Aerith:** Here, I’ll give you my business card, should you ever want to see me again. *gives her a business card*

 **Kairi:** Right. Thanks.

 **Aerith:** Your co-pay is 300 munny, by the way.

 **Kairi:** Oh goddammit.

 **Aerith:** I can bill you later, if you like. *goes to open the door* Alright, get back in here, you lot.

 **That lot:** *Gets back in there*

 **Cid:** So, how’d it go, you two?

 **Aerith:** Well, I believe her.

 **Leon:** About what?

 **Aerith:** About her being able to use a keyblade.

 **Leon:** Why?

 **Aerith:** Because she’s holding a fucking keyblade.

 **Kairi:** Huh. So I am. *pauses* Wait, how the hell…?

 **Aerith:** I guess the plot got tired of teasing you.

 **Kairi:** Huh, maybe. *looks at her keyblade* The hell is all this ornamental crap on it?

 **Aerith:** Looks like flowers.

 **Kairi:** Oh, I get it. It has flowers because I’m a girl.

 **Aerith:** *gives a sigh of resignation* Alas, such is the nature of these games.

 **Yuffie:** Haha, nature puns.

 **Kairi:** But I don’t understand. What’s the point of it being all pretty if it’s just gonna get soaked in blood, anyways?

 **Aerith:** That—hmm…

 **Merlin:** *poofs in before anyone can come up with a reasonable explanation* Hello, everyone! Remember me?

 **Leon:** I should hope so, ‘cause this is kind of your house.

 **Merlin:** So it is!

 **Kairi:** *in utter fascination* My God… You’re a Blue Wizard!

 **Merlin:** Well, I am a wizard and I am wearing blue at the present, so I guess that is technically a correct statement.

 **Kairi:** But you’re one of the Istari, yes? Legend says that you and one other ventured on a quest into the eastern reaches of Middle Earth, but never returned.

 **Merlin:** Wow, okay, wrong franchise. I’m not a Blue Wizard—I’m just a wizard that happens to be blue.

 **Kairi:** Well that’s disappointing.

 **Merlin:** Yup. *pauses for a moment* Hey, wait a minute—

 **Leon:** So Kairi, this is the guy that taught Sora magic a year ago. Presumably he’s going to be doing the same with you.

 **Merlin:** Yea verily. Merlin, at your service. Here, the first spell is on me. *turns to Kairi and tosses her a Blizzard-thing* So sorry to hear about your friend, by the way.

 **Kairi:** Thanks, I actually really appreciate you saying that.

 **Merlin:** What’re we talking about again?

 **Kairi:** ...Nothing, never mind.

 **Merlin:** Good. Aerith, did you give her a card?

 **Kairi:** Card? Wait, this isn’t gonna be like Chain of Memories, is it?

 **Merlin:** I have no idea what you’re talking about.

 **Kairi:** …

 **Aerith:** *hands her a “HB Restoration Committee Honorary Member” card* Here. This is supposed to be a token of our appreciation for joining our ranks, but admittedly it carries no value whatsoever. Enjoy.

 **Kairi:** Oh. Cool, I guess…? *pockets it*

 **Aerith:** You can thank Squall for that.

 **Leon:** It’s Le—oh, forget it. Look, kid. You’ve got a keyblade now, so that makes you a degree more useful to us than what you were five minutes ago.

 **Kairi:** ...Thanks.

 **Leon:** But before you get on board with anything, you should come with me to the Bailey. I want you to get a glimpse at what we’re dealing with here.

 **Kairi:** What’s at the Bailey?

 **Leon:** Well if you let me _show_ you, you’ll find out.

 **Kairi:** Why can’t you just tell me here?

 **Leon:** For dramatic purposes, I’m sure. Oh, and probably so that Organization XIII can make a brief cameo before the end of the chapter.

 **Kairi:** Wait, what?

 **Leon:** What.

 **Kairi:** I need you to repeat what what you just said.

 **Leon:** I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. *leaves*

 **Kairi:** ...Fucking hell, I give up. *follows Leon to the Bailey*

\-----------------------

 **The Bailey:** *is there*

 **Kairi:** Hey, so, about what you said before—

 **Leon:** Shut up, I didn’t say anything before. *leads Kairi over to an alcove overlooking the castle exterior* Okay. You see all that black crap down there?

 **Kairi:** *squints at all that black crap down there* Yeah. What is that, tar or something?

 **Leon:** ...Can you really not tell from up here?

 **Kairi:** My eyes are kinda bad. Help me out, guy.

 **Leon:** Those are Heartless.

 **Kairi:** ...Oh shit.

 **Leon:** Yep. And they can only be defeated by you key-people.

 **Kairi:** Key-people, huh.

 **Leon:** Yep. So, you know, no pressure or anything.

 **Kairi:** ...Right.

 **Leon:** And that’s to say nothing of the weird little wiggly bastards that have been showing up as well.

 **Kairi:** Weird little wiggly bastards… Oh, so like Nobodies?

 **Leon:** Is that seriously what they’re called?

 **Kairi:** Well, what do you wanna call them?

 **Leon:** Weird little wiggly bastards.

 **Kairi:** That’s fair.

 **Mysterious Voice:** Kind of long, though, don’t you think. You might want to consider using an acronym or something instead. “WLWB,” perhaps.

 **Leon:** *looks around wildly, including at the fucking ceiling* WHOA, WHO’S THERE?!

 **Kairi:** WHY WOULD THERE BE ANYONE ON THE CEILING, YOU ARE SUCH A DUMBASS.

 **Mysterious Voice #2:** Hey, look at me, I’m doing a cartwheel!

 **Kairi and Leon:** *both run out of the alcove in an attempt to locate the second voice*

 **Mysterious Voice #2:** ...Just kidding!

 **Kairi:** Hey, if we ignore them, do you think they’ll go away?

 **Mysterious Voice #1:** But how could we go away if we were never here in the first place?

 **Kairi:** Uh...

 **A bunch of WLWB:** *show up*

 **Kairi:** Oh, great.

 **Leon:** Okay kid, I know this is your first time using a keyblade, but you can do it.

 **Kairi:** Wow, thanks!

 **Leon:** Yep. I have blind faith in you.

 **Kairi:** Wow, thanks. *summons keyblade* Hey, it actually worked this time!

 **Leon:** That’s great for you. *yanks a gunblade out of his ass* GUNBLADE NO JUTSU! *begins attacking the WLWB*

 **Kairi:** Where the hell do you keep that thing—ah, you know what, I don’t want to know. Uh, “Keyblade No Jutsu,” or whatever. *makes like Leon and starts taking swings at the WLWB*

 **A Dusk:** *wiggles up to Kairi from behind and starts chomping on her shoulder*

 **Kairi:** GAH, SONOFA… *whirls around and clubs it over the head*

 **Leon:** Haha, now that’s what I call motivation—DOOF! *gets punched in the face by a Creeper*

 **Kairi:** Hang on, Leon! I’ll save you!

 **Leon:** *while nursing a bloody nose* No, itd’s okay, I’b god dis!

 **Kairi:** What? Your nose is too clogged with blood for me to hear you properly!

 **Leon:** I said I—

 **Kairi:** DIE, YOU FIENDISH FIEND! *bellyflops on top of the Creeper and stabs it with the keyblade until well after it disappears*

 **Leon:** *pinching his nose so that his voice has a kind of nasally timbre to it* Okay, relax, it’s dead now. They’re all dead. Jesus.

 **Kairi:** Sorry, I got kind of an adrenaline rush there. How’s your nose?

 **Leon:** It’s fine. *stuffs the gunblade back up his ass* Nice job fighting, by the way.

 **Kairi:** Wow, thanks!

 **Leon:** I mean your technique was kind of questionable, but yeah, nice job.

 **Kairi:** Wow, thanks.

 **Mysterious Voice #1:** No kidding. Great weapon, but the wielder could use some work.

 **Raucous laughter:** *is heard*

 **Kairi:** Hey, cut me some slack, this is the first time I’ve actually used it successfully. Also show yourselves or something.

 **The remainder of Organization XIII:** *show themselves or something*

 **Kairi:** Organization XIII! What a surprising surprise!

 **Frontmost Organization guy:** ‘Sup, nerds.

 **Kairi:** ‘Sup.

 **Organization guys:** …

 **Kairi and Leon guys:** …

 **Frontmost Organization guy:** So we’re gonna go fuck off now.

 **Kairi:** M’kay.

 **All of the Organization guys:** *go fuck off now*

 **Leon:** Well that was weird.

 **Kairi:** Yep. Wanna head back to Merlin’s?

 **Leon:** Let's.

 **Different Organization guy:** *poofs back in*

 **Kairi:** Oh, you’re back.

 **Different Organization guy:** Dropped my wallet.

 **Kairi:** That sucks, need help looking for it?

 **Different Organization guy:** Yeah, that’d be gr… wait, nope, it’s in my pocket. *waves at Kairi and Leon* Have a nice day! *poofs out*

 **Kairi:** Huh, they don’t actually seem like such bad people. Weird, but not bad.

 **Leon:** What gave you the impression that they were bad?

 **Kairi:** Nothing, it’s just that this one guy hired me to kill ‘em, that’s all.

 **Leon:** Oh. Uh, wow.

 **Kairi:** Yep.

 **Leon:** Hey, so do you remember that card that Aerith gave you?

 **Kairi:** Yeah, why?

 **Leon:** It’s floating behind you.

 **Kairi:** *turns around* So it is.

 **Kairi’s keyblade:** *appears*

 **Kairi:** What the shit?

 **Everything:** *starts glowing*

 **Leon:** What’s happening? Why is everything glowing?

 **Kairi:** Uh...

 **Kairi’s phone:** *buzzes*

 **Kairi:** Really? Right now? *slides her phone out of her pocket and answers it* Hello?

 **Naminé’s voice:** Use the keyblade, dumbass!

 **Kairi:** What?

 **Naminé’s voice:** Unlock the keyhole!

 **Kairi:** Oh, right. *hangs up and points her keyblade at the floating card* Uh, _Alohomora!_ Open, or whatever!

 **Keyhole:** *opens or whatever*

 **Kairi:** Sweet.

 **Leon:** What the hell just happened?

 **Kairi:** I unlocked the keyhole.

 **Leon:** ...The same keyhole that Sora _locked_ last year?

 **Kairi:** You know, it’s kind of unclear.

 **Leon:** ...

 **Kairi:** But on the bright side, I can go to new planets and stuff now. Well, I mean I probably could have before since using a portal gun kind of defeats the purpose of Gummi navigation routes, but whatever, y’know?

 **Leon:** Nice.

 **Kairi:** Uh-huh.

 **Leon:** So, what, you gonna say goodbye to the others before you go?

 **Kairi:** Eh, why not. *follows Leon back to Merlin’s house*

\-----------------------

 **Merlin’s house:** *is there*

 **Kairi:** Hey guys. Thought I’d say goodbye before I peaced out and everything.

 **Aerith:** Oh, you’re leaving already?

 **Kairi:** Yep. But I’ll probably come back again soon, maybe.

 **Cid:** Well in that case, good luck out there, kid.

 **Yuffie:** Yeah, take care of yourself out there!

 **Leon:** Don’t fuck up I guess.

 **Kairi:** Aww, you guys… wait a sec, where’s Merlin?

 **Aerith:** He’s out catching Lacewing Flies, I think.

 **Kairi:** Lacewing flies? As in...

 **Aerith:** Yep. But don’t worry, we’ll pass the message on for you.

 **Kairi:** Thanks. Well, seeya later, I guess. *waves and warps the fuck out of there*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Now, what to do next: Mulan, or Beauty and the Beast?_


	3. The Incredible Adventures of Fa Ping and Karl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Nothing to say other than that I own none of the following: Gulliver’s Travels, Firefly, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, The Lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Naruto, The Princess Bride, and anything of or pertaining to Disney or Square Enix._

**Chapter Three: The Incredible Adventures of Fa Ping and Karl**

Deep within the cavernous bowels of the Old Mansion…

 **Kairi:** *warps into the computer room and faceplants on top of the keyboard* Ow.

 **Naminé:** *in a swivel chair, reading a novel* Smooth.

 **Kairi:** Yeah, I don’t know what’s gotten into this thing.

 **Naminé:** Maybe you’re just bad at stuff.

 **Kairi:** Probably. *heaves herself off the keyboard* Whatcha reading?

 **Naminé:** _Gulliver’s Travels._

 **Kairi:** Any good?

 **Naminé:** No.

 **Kairi:** …’kay then. *shoves her hands into her pockets* So, uh, what’s next?

 **Naminé:** Well, you unlocked the Hollow Bastion keyhole, so that’s good. But you’ll probably have to go back there sometime in the distant future because something something Winnie the Pooh or whatever.

 **Kairi:** Ugh...

 **Naminé:** Yeah, I know. But don’t worry about that. Right now, your next objective is to head over to China. Specifically, China during the Han dynasty.

 **Kairi:** China? I thought that all of us lived in a fictional universe, what is this.

 **Naminé:** Well that would explain why it’s called “The Land of Dragons” in this game or whatever.

 **Kairi:** Huh. Oh, just one problem: I don’t know any Chinese. I mean, I know a few words thanks to _Firefly_ , but I’m not sure what type of dialect they use, or if any of the words that they say are even real or not. 

 **Naminé:** Well luckily for you, we exist in a fictional reality in which a singular universal language is spoken.

 **Kairi:** And what language is that?

 **Naminé:** The language of love, Kairi.

 **Kairi:** ...Really?

 **Naminé:** No. Goddamn are you gullible.

 **Kairi:** Heh, true. So, you were saying about China?

 **Naminé:** Usual procedure: go in, kill monsters, unlock the keyhole. But, to do all of this, you’re gonna need to join the Imperial Army.

 **Kairi:** The army? No can do, I’m a pacifist.

 **Naminé:** But you don’t even know what they’re fighting about.

 **Kairi:** So? I don’t like violence. I like to think of myself as a peaceable sort of a person.

 **Naminé:** ...Who fights with a keyblade.

 **Kairi:** Only recently! And besides, there’s a difference between fighting monsters and fighting people. Monsters are inherently evil; people, on the other hand, are a tad more complex.

 **Naminé:** Oh? And how do you know these monsters are, in fact, “inherently evil?” *looks philosophically into the distance* Are they truly monsters? Or is that just how we perceive them?

 **Kairi:** Uh…

 **Naminé:** What if, instead of _monsters,_ they are slaves to a higher power that exists beyond our mortal comprehension? What if these _monsters_ have no means of understanding the concepts of good and evil, never mind the freedom to choose between the two? Have you ever thought about that, Kairi? Have you? That’s right, you haven’t, you small-minded, simplistic little—

 **Kairi:** —Fine, fine, I get it already. Jesus.

 **Naminé:** Glad we got that settled. *clears throat* As I was saying before, there’s a war brewing over there, and the Imperial Army needs manpower.

 **Kairi:** *grimacing* Fine, I’m on it.

 **Naminé:** No, that’s just the thing. They need _man_ power. As in people with penises.

 **Kairi:** Why penises?

 **Naminé:** Because apparently penises grant their owners magical powers or something, I don’t know. But look, that’s beside the point. To join the army, you’re gonna need to blend in.

 **Kairi:** Blend in, right. So… crossdressing?

 **Naminé:** That’s the idea.

 **Kairi:** ‘Kay then. *shoves hands into pockets* Well, I’m gonna need some tape. And, uh, something to stuff my pants with.

 **Naminé:** *hands her a roll of duct tape* Here, use this. As for the other thing… *smirks* well, I have a couple of dildos lying around upstairs…

 **Kairi:** *gags* Uh, you know what, I’m gonna pass.

 **Naminé:** *shrugs* Then I guess you’re just gonna have to get creative.

 **Kairi:** M’kay. *looks around* By the way, where’s DiZ?

 **Naminé:** He called in sick, so it’s just me today. *goes back to reading _Gulliver’s Travels_ *

 **Kairi:** Oh, that sucks.

 **Naminé:** Yup.

 **Kairi:** ...You, uh, lonely at all?

 **Naminé:** Nope.

 **Kairi:** Really?

 **Naminé:** Yes. Now fuck off.

 **Kairi:** Uh… ‘kay. *fucks off*

\-----------------------

Somewhere in the wilderness of Han China, a menacing figure stands amidst the ashes of a blazing village…

 **Everything:** *is burning*

 **Shan Yu:** But not me. I’m awesome.

 **Shan Yu’s falcon:** *lands on his shoulder* Whoa, did you do all this yourself?

 **Shan Yu:** You know, it’s not entirely clear. But given the apparent absence of my comrades, I’d say yes.

 **Shan Yu’s falcon:** Nice.

 **Transition:** *transitions to Soldier!Mulan hiding in a bamboo grove and viewing the burning village through a pair of binoculars*

 **Mulan:** *is presumably talking to Khan, because who else would she be talking to* So that’s Shan Yu, huh? I wonder where the rest of the Huns are. I also wonder how long he’s been standing there, considering that that fire kind of looks like it’s dying down. Man, I wish I had a crossbow or a sniper rifle or something, ‘cause then I could take him out right here and now. *turns away and folds arms* Aw, who am I kidding—it would take a miracle for me to be able to use a sniper rifle.

 **Voice of Discount Eddie Murphy:** DID I HEAR SOMEONE ASK FOR A MIRACLE? Can I get an ‘ _Ahhhhhhhh!’_

 **Mulan:** *whirls around* AHHHH! Not Discount Eddie Murphy!

 **Discount Eddie Murphy:** *is doing the shadow puppet scene that everyone knows about, while a gospel organ plays in the background* That’s close enough! Get ready kid, ‘cause your serpentine salvation has come! I have been sent by your ancestors to… to guide you, or whatever! So heed my word, ‘cause if the army finds out that you’re a _girl_ , the penalty is a kid-friendly, Disney-styled death!

 **Mulan:** What kind of death is kid-friendly? Also, who are you or something.

 **Discount Eddie Murphy:** Who am I? _Who am I?!_ I am the guardian of lost souls! I am the powerful, the pleasurable, the indestructible… *marches out from his place behind the boulder* Mushu!

 **Mulan:** …

 **Mushu:** Pretty hot, huh?

 **Khan:** *briefly tramples over Mushu before Mulan pushes him aside*

 **Mulan:** *quickly peels Mushu off the ground* Uh… my ancestors sent a little lizard to help me?

 **Mushu:** Hey, dragon, _dragon,_ not lizard. I don’t do that tongue thing. *promptly does the tongue thing*

 **Crash:** *is heard*

 **Mulan:** What was that?!

 **Mushu:** What, you think I know?

 **Mulan:** You’re a family guardian, yes? Aren’t your powers supposed to be “beyond my mortal imagination” or something?

 **Mushu:** Hey, I told you that I was powerful, pleasurable, and indestructible. I never said anything about being omniscient.

 **Mulan:** ...I’m going to go check it out. *goes to check it out*

 **Kairi:** *has crash-warped into a cluster of bamboo stalks* Ow, my clavicle!

 **Mulan:** Ah! Are you o… *pauses and continues in a more masculine octave* Uh, I mean, are you okay?

 **Kairi:** Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. *clambers out of the bamboo stalks and extends a hand towards Mulan* Hey, there. Name’s Kairi.

 **Mulan:** *stares at Kairi’s hand, but doesn’t take it* Umm… Ping. I’m Ping. Yes, that is definitely my name. Yes.

 **Kairi:** Ah. Good to meet you, Ping. *dusts herself off* Hey, do you happen to know where I can find a bathroom or a shower house or something?

 **Ping:** ...There’s a Port-A-John near the entrance ramp to the Silk Road. It’s not too far from here.

 **Kairi:** Thanks. Well, seeya. *turns to leave*

 **Ping:** *clears throat* Ah, you should know, it’s dangerous for a girl to be wandering around out here by herself.

 **Kairi:** Oh? Why’s that?

 **Ping:** Uh, because… you’re a girl.

 **Kairi:** Okay, and what’s that got to do with anything?

 **Ping:** Uh…

 **Kairi:** That’s what I thought. Well, so long, guy. *once more turns to leave*

 **Ping:** Wait, uh, don’t go…?

 **Kairi:** Dude, I’m totally going.

 **Ping:** Okay, but before you do, I have to tell you something. *bites lip* Look, can I be honest with you?

 **Kairi:** I mean we literally just met, but sure.

 **Ping:** My name isn’t actually Ping. It’s Mulan.

 **Kairi:** Okay, and?

 **Ping:** *awkwardly* Uh, Mulan is a woman’s name.

 **Kairi:** Oh, I see. *pats Ping on the back* Hey, you know, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I mean, my best friend has a girl’s name, but he’s actually pretty comfortable in his masculinity. But between you and me, I think that gendered names are stupid and old-fashioned anyway, so who cares, amiright?

 **Ping:** *impatiently* No, no, it’s not like that. I’m trying to tell you that _I’m_ a woman.

 **Kairi:** I… OHHHH.

 **Ping:** Yeah.

 **Kairi:** Wow. Uh, sorry ‘bout that. I mean, you make for a very convincing male. I, uh, mean that as a compliment, by the way.

 **Ping:** Thanks.

 **Kairi:** ...Help me?

 **Ping:** What?

 **Kairi:** Uh, since you seem to be familiar with this sort of thing, could you maybe help me out? I mean, I need to dress up as a dude, too.

 **Ping:** ...Why?

 **Kairi:** I’ve gotta join the army for plot-related reasons.

 **Ping:** Uh... okay, I guess? *crosses arms* But first, you’re gonna need some tape. And, um, something to stuff your pants with.

 **Kairi:** Tape I have. Fresh out of pants-stuffers, though.

 **Mushu:** DID I HEAR SOMEONE ASK FOR A PANTS-STUFFER? Can I get an ‘ _Ahhhhhhh!’_

 **Kairi:** Awwwww, tiny talking lizard thing!

 **Mushu:** That’s close enough! Also, I’m a _dragon,_ not a lizard. But fortunately for you, I happen to function as a part-time pants-stuffer!

 **Kairi:** Uh, yeah, no thanks.

 **Mushu:** What? Why not?

 **Kairi:** I’m not sticking you in my pants, you little perv. *to Ping* He with you?

 **Ping:** Ugh, yeah. He’s kind of my family guardian I guess.

 **Kairi:** You guess?

 **Ping:** I literally just met him.

 **Kairi:** Oh. I am so sorry.

 **Mushu:** I’m right here!

 **Kairi:** So you are. *crosses arms* No worries, I’ll figure something out. Cover for me, will ya? I’m gonna go tape up my boobs. *dashes into the bamboo stalks with duct tape in hand*

 **Ping:** *to Mushu* Why are you gross?

 **Mushu:** Hey, I was just trying to be helpful.

 **Ping:** You can be helpful by not being gross.

 **A few minutes:** *happen*

 **Kairi:** *emerges from the bamboo stalks, completely flat-chested and looking Utterly Masculine* Oh yeah, I feel so… _manly_. And also kind of like I’m suffocating.

 **Ping:** You’ll get used to it. How’d you get… well, you know, the other thing?

 **Kairi:** Oh, you mean my bulge?

 **Ping:** Um…

 **Kairi:** Don’t worry about it.

 **Ping:** M’kay.

 **Mushu:** Excuse me, but we’re kind of on the clock here. Can we get this show on the road already?

 **Ping:** Right. Okay, let’s move out.

\-----------------------

 **Encampment:** *is there*

 **Ping:** *sarcastically* Wow, imagine how embarrassing it would be if the village that Shan Yu had just burnt down was really close to here. Also where the hell did I put my horse.

 **Mushu:** Stop pointing out all of these logistical flaws, you’re gonna compromise the foundation of this story! Also, remember to act manly or something.

 **Ping:** Right, I completely forgot! *proceeds to do the Manly Strut*

 **Kairi:** Have you ever actually seen how men walk before, or… ah, you know what, forget it. *follows Ping*

 **Line of soldiers:** *is there*

 **Ping:** What’s this, a line for food?

 **Kairi:** Looks like.

 **Ping:** ...I’m no war hero or anything, but something tells me we should probably _enlist_ before we go and take their food.

 **Mushu:** *from Ping’s collar* No, that’s too sensible. Go stand in line.

 **Ping:** ‘Kay.

 **Kairi and Ping:** *go to stand in line*

 **Yao:** Out of the way, skinny. *shoves Ping out of line*

 **Ping:** Ow, my clavicle!

 **Yao:** Your clavicle?

 **Ling:** Confucius, what a girl.

 **Ping:** Uh, I mean… Ahahaha! I love pain! *punches Yao in the face*

 **Yao:** *flies into Chien Po*

 **Kairi:** *to Ping* Why did you do that?!

 **Ping:** Isn’t punching how men say “hello?”

 **Kairi:** ... _No?!_

 **Chien-Po:** *picks up Yao* Oh, Yao, you made a friend!

 **Ping:** *smacks Yao on the ass*

 **Kairi:** Why do you keep doing that?!

 **Ping:** I don’t know, I panicked!

 **Yao:** ...Ohoho, I’m gonna punch you so hard, it’ll make your ancestors dizzy!

 **Chien-Po:** Now, Yao, relax and chant with me: _Pie jesu domine, dona eis requiem._ *smacks himself on the forehead*

 **Yao:** _Pie jesu domine, dona eis blah blah blah._ *smacks himself on the forehead and looks at Ping* Ah, you ain’t worth my time, chicken boy.

 **Ping:** ...You know what, I’m just gonna peacefully take that insult.

 **Mushu:** Yeah, I’m not gonna let you peacefully take that insult. Something something LIMP NOODLE.

 **Yao:** The _fuck_ did you just say to me—

 **Shang:** —Good afternoon, soldiers! I exist!

 **Heartless:** So do we!

 **Yao, Chien-Po, Ling, and presumably Shang as well:** Well, shit. *run the fuck out of there*

 **Ping:** The hell are those things?

 **Kairi:** Heartless. As in a noun. As in that’s literally what they’re called. Help me beat ‘em up, will ya?

 **Ping:** Uh, sure, I guess? *helps Kairi beat them up* Wow, you really suck at fighting. Also your sword is tacky as shit.

 **Kairi:** Heh, true. I guess this calls for a musical number in which all of us train together, amiright?

 **Shang:** Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.

 **Kairi:** Dammit.

 **Shang:** So who the hell are you two, anyway?

 **Ping:** Ping, sir!

 **Kairi:** Uh…

 **Shang and Ping:** *stare at her*

 **Kairi:** ...I’ve got a name. And it’s a boy’s name, too.

 **Shang:** That’s great, you wanna tell me what it is?

 **Kairi:** ...It’s, um... Karl.

 **Shang:** Karl?

 **Kairi:** Karl.

 **Shang:** ...Uh-huh. Let me see your conscription notice.

 **Kairi:** I, uh, lost it in the fight.

 **Shang:** You’re a dumbass.

 **Kairi:** That is correct.

 **Shang:** But since you guys are like the only two that actually fought those… well, whatever the hell those things were, I guess you’re in.

 **Kairi:** Rad.

 **Shang:** Do you think you two have what it takes to be soldiers of the Imperial Army?

 **Ping:** Yes sir!

 **Kairi:** That remains to be seen, sir!

 **Shang:** That’s what I like to hear. So anyways, LET’S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS and do a couple of missions before we actually head for the village in the Tung Shao pass.

 **Kairi:** Why’d you have to say it like that, you really had me excited for a moment there.

 **Ping:** Oh knock it off, Karl. *to Shang* Consider it done, sir.

 **Shang:** That's the spirit, Ping! Karl, quit your bitching and head over to the checkpoint with Ping. I want you guys to kill monsters and stuff.

 **Kairi:** Monsters? What about the Huns?

 **Shang:** I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. *walks away*

 **Kairi:** I don’t get it. Who is the Imperial Army actually fighting with, the Huns or the Heartless?

 **Ping:** Little bit of both, I guess.

 **Kairi:** ...Huh.

 **Ping:** Also, can we talk about your name real quick?

 **Kairi:** What, you mean Karl?

 **Ping:** Yeah. You couldn’t have picked something more, I don’t know, regionally appropriate?

 **Kairi:** Hey, I panicked, okay? Sheesh.

 **Ping:** Fine. Whatever. Let’s just get to the checkpoint and kill stuff already.

 **Kairi:** Aye-aye.

 **Ping and Kairi:** *get to the checkpoint and kill stuff already*

 **Ping:** Y’know, that musical number in which all of us train together is actually starting to sound pretty enticing.

 **Kairi:** I KNOW, RIGHT?! *heads back to talk to Shang*

 **Shang:** You two fight like morons. I know this because I was watching you, apparently. Go back and do it again.

 **Kairi:** BUT—

 **Ping:** Can it, Karl! Let’s get ‘er done!

 **Ping and Kairi:** *go back and do it again*

 **Ping:** Okay, Shang’s right. We do fight like morons.

 **Kairi:** Hence the need for a training session! And possibly a musical number!

 **Ping:** I couldn’t agree more. *once more heads back to talk to Shang*

 **Shang:** That was marginally better. Your next mission is here in the camp.

 **Kairi:** The camp?

 **Shang:** Did I stutter?

 **Kairi:** No, it’s just… do you mean we’re gonna _fight_ in the camp?

 **Shang:** Yep.

 **Kairi:** ‘Kay, who are we fighting?

 **Shang:** Oh, just some more of those monster things.

 **Kairi:** Monsters. In the camp.

 **Shang:** Yep. *points behind Kairi* Oh, look! There’s one right there!

 **Kairi:** *turns* What, I don’t see—ow, my trachea _ucchh!_

 **Ping:** *turns around to see Kairi getting strangled by a Nightwalker* Hang on, Karl! I’ll save you!

 **Kairi:** *unintelligible choking noises*

 **Ping:** Die, you dastardly bastard! *hacks at the Nightwalker until it disappears*

 **Kairi:** *a little bit wheezy* Hey, thanks, Ping!

 **Ping:** Don’t mention it.

 **Kairi:** Where the hell did Shang go? Where the hell did _everyone_ go?

 **Ping:** Looks like they conveniently fucked off. C’mon, help me get rid of these guys.

 **Kairi:** ‘Kay. *helps Ping get rid of those guys*

 **Shang:** *has conveniently fucked back in* Hey, nice job, you two!

 **Kairi:** How would you know, you weren’t even there.

 **Shang:** Quiet, you. *clears throat* Your last mission is to head into the mountains and clear the way to the village or whatever.

 **Kairi:** What, no musical number where we all sing about the type of women we like?

 **Shang:** NO MUSICAL NUMBERS. Ping, would you get Karl’s ass in line already?!

 **Ping:** Sir, yes, sir! C’mon, Karl, get your ass in line already!

 **Kairi:** Fine, fine! _Christ!_

 **Shang:** We’ll meet you there once the trail has been cleared.

 **Ping:** Cool. I’m gonna grab my horse real quick.*grabs Khan real quick and leads Kairi to the Mountain Trail*

 **Mountain Trail:** I’m a trail. In the mountains.

 **Kairi:** So you are.

 **Ping:** Who are you talking to?

 **Kairi:** Haven’t a clue.

 **Ping:** Okay. So I guess we just gotta move these boulders out of the way, or something? Should be simple enough.

 **Assault Rider:** Not if I have anything to say about it. *spears Ping in the back with its… spear*

 **Ping:** GAK!

 **Kairi:** HANG ON, FRIEND! I WILL SAVE YOU! *chucks her keyblade at the Assault Rider, which does nothing other than piss it off a little*

 **Kairi:** Huh, that worked out a lot better in my head. Also my keyblade is now like ten feet away from me.

 **Ping:** YOU’RE A DUMBASS.

 **Kairi:** True—wait, uh, that’s right! _Accio keyblade!_

 **Kairi’s keyblade:** *flies back into Kairi’s hand*

 **Kairi:** Haha! Take that, you—DOOF! *gets whacked on the head by the Assault Rider*

 **Ping:** Are you okay?

 **Kairi:** *gets back up and spits out a tooth* ...Babe, “Okay” is my middle name.

 **Ping:** Ick...

 **Assault Rider:** You are disgusting. And pathetic. I shall kill you now. *attempts to charge Ping and Kairi*

 **Kairi:** Okay Ping, I know you’re kind of bleeding out right now, but bear with me. Heave-ho! *Hauls Ping out of the way just in time*

 **Assault Rider:** *comically crashes into the wall behind them*

 **Kairi:** *gets up real quick and stabs the Assault rider in the back* THAT’S FOR PING! *stabs it again* THAT’S FOR CHINA! *stabs it once more* AND THAT’S FOR MY OLD GAFFER!

 **Assault Rider:** *disappears*

 **Kairi:** *looks around wildly*  _Anyone else?!_

 **Ping:** Dude, relax, that was the only one!

 **Kairi:** Oh. Sorry.

 **Ping:** It’s _fine_ , just stop being terrifying! Also please help me, I’m kind of bleeding. A lot.

 **Kairi:** Oh yeah! Uh, hang on, I’ve got a first-aid kit in my bag. *rummages through her backpack*

 **Ping:** Please hurry though, I don’t want any of the army doctors looking me over and discovering that I’m actually a woman.

 **Mushu:** *pops out of Ping’s collar* Oh don’t worry, in this adaptation I’m supposed to be the one that blows your secret, and that doesn’t happen until much later.

 **Ping:** What the hell are you talking about? Also where were you during that entire fight?

 **Mushu:** ...I honestly have no idea on both counts.

 **Ping:** Well that’s unsettling.

 **Kairi:** Sure is. *helps patch up Ping*

 **Ping:** Oh gosh, I didn’t even ask. Are you okay? I noticed you spat out a tooth…

 **Kairi:** Oh yeah, that happened. *smiles awkwardly* Can you see it at all?

 **Ping:** Yup, it’s right in the center. How can you not feel that?

 **Kairi:** I think I might have a minor concussion.

 **Ping:** You know, given how hard you were whacked on the head, I wouldn’t be surprised.

 **Kairi:** ...Uh, what did you say? My ears are ringing too loudly.

 **Ping:** Okay, we need to get you to the village like right now.

 **Kairi:** Sir, yes, guy. *allows Ping to hoist her onto Khan’s saddle*

 **Transition:** *Transitions to the village in the Tung Shao pass, where the entire army has gathered*

 **Generic Soldier:** *is just standing there, chatting with Yao* For a long time we’ve been marching off to battle…

 **Yao:** In our thundering herd, we feel a lot like cattle…

 **Mushu:** *standing some distance away with Ping and Kairi* That’s great for all of you.

 **Ping:** Mushu, what are you doing out here in the open? People can see you!

 **Mushu:** Indeed they can, Ping. Indeed they can. Also, I saw a guy.

 **Kairi:** Cool story, dude. You know what I see?

 **Mushu:** ...What do you see?

 **Kairi:** I see a little silhouetto of a man.

 **Ping:** Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?

 **Mushu:** Thunderbolt and lightning, very very fright—wait, what the hell am I even saying? I meant to tell you that I saw a shady guy poking around just outside the village.

 **Kairi:** Like the ‘drugs’ kind of shady, or the ‘assault’ kind of shady? Or perhaps both?

 **Mushu:** Neither. This is a Disney movie, you heathen.

 **Kairi:** Hey, y’know, I’m still a little fuzzy from the beatdown, so could you maybe go easy on me? Thanks.

 **Ping:** Maybe you should lay down for awhile…

 **Kairi:** Now you’re just being silly. *to Mushu* Tell us about Shady.

 **Mushu:** Well first of all, his name isn’t Shady, it’s Shan Yu.

 **Ping:** You mean you saw _Shan Yu?!_ Why didn’t you just say that from the get-go?! DUDES WE’VE GOTTA TELL THE CAPTAIN!

 **Mushu:** Hey, hey, can it, will ya? Nobody’s telling nobody.

 **Kairi:** Haha, Nobodies.

 **Mushu and Ping:** …

 **Kairi:** It’s funny because it’s Kingdom Hearts—

 **Mushu:** —Quiet, you. Anyways, I say we go track the guy down and take him out. And by that I mean saunter into that Suspicious Looking Cave over there that is definitely not a trap or anything.

 **Ping:** I am quite skeptical of this plan.

 **Kairi:** I’m not! I think it’s a great idea! *pats Mushu on the head* Good thinking, Larry.

 **Ping:** YOU ARE UNWELL, YOU NEED TO GO SIT DOWN OR SOMETHING.

 **Kairi:** Oh, I’m _fiiiiiine._ *hobbles out of the village and towards the Suspicious Looking Cave*

 **Ping:** *to Mushu* I am going to mount you on my wall. *grabs him and follows Kairi*

 **Suspicious Looking Cave:** *is there*

 **Kairi:** Wow. That is one Suspicious Looking Cave. *wanders in*

 **Ping:** KARL NO—aw, fuck it. *follows her into the cave*

 **Kairi:** It’s dark.

 **Ping:** Yes, this is a cave. Caves are dark. *steps on something* Oh look, conveniently-placed explosives.

 **Kairi:** Nice. *squints at the shrine-thing ahead* What are those, candles? *looks at Mushu* Did you do that?

 **Mushu:** I got here when you did, dumbass.

 **Kairi:** Right.

 **Ping:** Look, Karl—I know you’re not exactly all there right now, but you’ve got to try and be quiet, ‘cause this is serious.

 **Tiny earthquake:** *happens*

 **Ping:** What the—?

 **Shan Yu:** *appears* Ahahaha! I can earthbend now apparently! Also, INVISIBLE WALL NO JUTSU!

 **Invisible wall:** *conveniently cuts off Ping and Kairi from Shan Yu, thereby allowing him to lay waste to the Village*

 **Kairi:** *to Shan Yu* Stop. Don’t. Come back.

 **Ping:** Karl, him escaping is a _bad_ thing!

 **Kairi:** Yeah but face it, we’d both be fucked if we had to face him right now.

 **Ping:** This is true.

 **Heartless:** Hey, you tired of us yet?

 **Ping:** Boy am I. Okay, Karl, you go and sit down. I’ll take care of this.

 **Kairi:** ...I appreciate your concern, but how ‘bout instead of fighting, we just use these conveniently-placed explosives that are just lying around?

 **Ping:** Because we’re kind of trapped in here, dude. If they explode, we do too.

 **Kairi:** The actual game begs to differ! If anything, we'd probably only suffer a minor loss of HP!

 **Ping:** I don’t even know what you’re talking about!

 **Heartless:** We’re just gonna wait here patiently until you figure out how to dispose of us.

 **Kairi:** Oh, how courteous!

 **Mushu:** Dudes I’m totally lighting these things. *lights the conveniently-placed explosives*

 **Ping:** MUSHU NO—

 **A bunch of tiny explosions:** *happen*

 **The Heartless:** *cease to exist*

 **Ping:** Well that was rather anticlimactic.

 **Kairi:** See? What’d I tell you?

 **Ping:** I still don’t know how you knew that. How did you know that.

 **Kairi:** Don’t worry about it. Is the invisible wall gone?

 **Ping:** *Walks around the cave a little* Seems like. Now then, after Shan Yu!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Okay, I definitely think this chapter could have gone a lot better. That's what I get for procrastinating, I guess!_


	4. Obligatory Sexual Tension

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Sorry about posting this so late! Classes are finally back in session, so I’m not too sure about how often I’ll be able to update from here on out. Also, I finally boldfaced the character’s names! Hooray!_   
>  _In other news, I own none of the following: Monty Python and the Holy Grail, The Princess Bride, Pokémon, Sherlock, lyrics to ‘Without Me,’ Skyrim, Lord of the Rings, Homestuck, Captain Planet and the Planeteers, Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World, Legend of Korra, and anything of or pertaining to Disney and Square Enix._

**Chapter Four: Obligatory Sexual Tension**

**Ping:** Your head feeling a little better, Karl?

 **Kairi:** Dude, I told you I'm fine. I mean it hurts like shit, but I'm fine. 

 **Mushu:** Anyone else smell that?

 **Ping:** Smell what?

 **Mushu:** Burning. It smells like something's burning.

 **Ping:** Considering you just set off a bunch of explosives, I’m not surprised.

 **Mushu:** No, it’s not that. Smells like burning wood. Possibly maple.

 **Kairi:** That’s oddly specific.

 **Ping:** I’m sure it’s fine. *leads Kairi and Mushu out of the cave and back to the village, which has been burnt to a crisp*

 **Ping:** …

 **Mushu:** …

 **Kairi:** Okay, I don’t care what anyone says, Shan Yu could _not_ have possibly done this by himself.

 **Shang:** *from somewhere within the wreckage, nursing his seared flesh* Shan Yu totally did this by himself.

 **Kairi:** You’re kidding. In the five seconds that we were gone?!

 **Shang:** Seems like. *tries to get up and fails*

 **Ping:** *runs over to Shang’s side* Easy, Captain, you’re hurt!

 **Shang:** Nonsense, ‘tis but a scratch!

 **Kairi:** A scratch? Your arm’s off!

 **Shang:** No it isn’t.

 **Kairi:** ...No it isn’t. Uh, you know, I have a first-aid kit in my ba—

 **Shang:** —It’s _fine_. *groans in pain* Look, Shan Yu already ran off to the Summit. You guys should probably catch him or something. I’ll try to find the others.

 **Kairi:** Yeah, where’d they all go, anyways? Seems to me that fighting just one guy would be a simple enough job for, you know, _an entire infantry unit._

 **Shang** : Karl, I order you to cease questioning the logic (or lack thereof) behind this storytelling and to head to the Summit already! Lives are at stake here, man!

 **Kairi:** _But_ —

 **Ping:** You heard the Captain, Karl! To the Summit! *does the hero-run to the Summit*

 **Kairi:** M’kay. *does the sidekick-run after Ping*

 **The Summit:** *is there*

 **Kairi:** Well. That’s a summit, alright. *squints at a tiny dot on the waist of the mountain* Is… is that Shan Yu?

 **Shan Yu:** *is attempting to scale the  mountainside with his bare hands*

 **Ping:** What is he doing?

 **Kairi:** I think he’s trying to climb up the mountain valley just so he can run down it and charge us like a badass. *commences shouting to Shan Yu* Hello there! Slow going?

 **Shan Yu:** *is shouting back to Kairi* Look, I don’t mean to be rude but this isn’t as easy as it looks, so I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t distract me.

 **Kairi:** Sorry.

 **Shan Yu:** Thank you. *continues climbing*

 **Ping:** Why, again, is he doing this?

 **Kairi:** For dramatic effect.

 **Ping:** I see. And the logic behind this is...?

 **Kairi:** There isn’t any. Next question.

 **Ping:** How long are we gonna have to wait for him to reach the top?

 **Kairi:** No idea. *resumes yelling to Shan Yu* I don’t suppose you could speed things up?

 **Shan Yu:** *unintelligible shouting*

 **Ping:** ...What did he say?

 **Kairi:** Haven’t a clue.

 **Shan Yu:** *has finally reached the top and is now yelling his ears off* Hey, where’s my horse? And my army? And my epic background music? And why am I surrounded by a bunch of floating fish?

 **Ping:** *is yelling back to him* It appears that your army has been replaced with Heartless in a cheap attempt to integrate Kingdom Hearts content with scenes from the actual movie!

 **Shan Yu:** I admire the effort, but why _these_ Heartless in particular? Tell me, do I even look like a credible threat with these assholes whizzing around me?!

 **Ping:** Not at all, sir!

 **Shan Yu:** That’s fair… HYARGGGH! *begins to charge at them down the mountain*

 **Kairi:** ...I hope he trips.

 **Ping:** ...He’s not gonna trip.

 **Yao:** *struts in with the others, holding a cannon* Out of the way, nerds! I’ve got this!

 **Kairi:** WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN THIS WHOLE TIME.

 **Yao:** Don’t worry about it! *plants the cannon and aims it at Shan Yu*

 **Ping:** Hmm, that’s great and all, but I have a better idea. *snatches the cannon from Yao and dashes off*

 **Yao:** Hey—where is he going?!

 **Kairi:** No idea. Ping! Where are you going?

 **Ping:** Don’t worry about it! *looks around frantically* Shit, I forgot to pickpocket some firestarters from Yao. HEY, YAO! Can you toss me some firestarters?

 **Yao:** I didn’t bring any.

 **Ping:** You didn’t bring—how the hell did you expect to light this thing?!

 **Mushu:** Hang on, I’ve got this. *vomits fire onto the fuse*

 **Ping:** Gross. Also you might want to get off that thing.

 **Mushu:** Oh yeah—SHIT. *doesn’t get off the cannon in time and goes flying on the cannon towards the mountain* Looks like Team Rocket’s blasting off again!

 **Shan Yu:** *to Ping* Dude, how did you miss, I’m like three feet in front of you. Also, since I am three feet in front of you, why am I not killing you right now.

 **Ping:** Fucked if I know, though I do recall you stabbing me in the movie at this point. *gestures behind Shan Yu* Oh look, an avalanche!

 **Shan Yu:** Where? I don’t see any—DOOF! *gets beaned by a huge clump of snow*

 **Ping:** And I’ll be seeing you later, bye. *runs the fuck out of there*

 **Kairi, Yao, Chien-Po, and Ling:** *also run the fuck out of there*

 **The mountain:** *is now shitting snow everywhere, especially on Shan Yu*

 **Shang:** I have been miraculously healed and am now standing here for some reason! *looks at the oncoming avalanche* Say, is that an avalanche?

 **Kairi:** Yes. Yes it is. Why are you here.

 **Ping:** Never mind that, Karl! I’ll save you, Captain! *scoops up Shang and carries him to safety*

 **Kairi, Yao, Chien-Po, and Ling:** *Carry themselves to safety*

 **Shang:** *to Ping* I think I’m in love.

 **Ping:** Well aren’t you in for a surprise.

 **Shang:** What?

 **Ping:** Nothing. *to everyone else* Everyone present and accounted for?

 **Kairi:** Everyone except Mushu.

 **Ping:** Damn. Forgot about him.

 **Kairi:** That’s okay, he’s kind of forgettable in this adaptation.

 **Shang:** Who’s Mushu?

 **Kairi:** He’s a tiny dragon that Ping shot at the mountain. By the way, nice job, Ping!

 **Ping:** Thanks, bro!

 **Mushu:** *erupts from the snow* I’M ALIVE!

 **Kairi:** Oh. So you are.

 **Mushu:**  So I am. *glances at watch* Well what do ya know, it’s time for me to tactlessly announce that Ping is actually a woman! Hey, everyone! Did you know that Ping is actually a woman?!

 **Ping:** Oh goddammit.

 **Shang:** …

 **Ping:** Okay. Captain, I can explain.

 **Shang:** *to Mushu* HOW DARE YOU USE THE W-WORD IN MY PRESENCE.

 **Kairi:** ...The ‘w-word?’ Seriously?

 **Shang:** *shudders* Females, what disgusting creatures.

 **Kairi:** Christ, here we go.

 **Shang:** *turns to Ping* Ping, does this magical talking lizard who sounds remarkably _not_ like Eddie Murphy speak the truth? Are you, in fact… a female?

 **Ping:** *crestfallen* I am, sir.

 **Chi-Fu:** Treacherous snake! High treason! Ultimate dishonor!

 **Shang:** Oh fuck off, you’re not even in this adaptation.

 **Chi-Fu:** I was hoping you wouldn’t notice, but okay. *fucks off*

 **Shang:** Where was I, again?

 **Ping:** I believe you were about to launch into an emotionally-charged monologue about how you can’t believe that I lied to you. *pauses* I can also reasonably assume that you will discuss the penalty for my treasonous act. Sir.

 **Shang:** That’s right! I can’t believe you lied to me! I thought we _had_ something, Ping!

 **Ping:** We didn’t. And my real name is Mulan.

 **Shang:** Mulan, whatever! *to everyone else* What, and I suppose _you’re_ all girls, as well?

 **Kairi:** *steps forward* Uh… I am. Sir.

 **Shang:** Karl?!

 **Kairi:** Yup. And it’s Kairi, by the way.

 **Shang:** Karl! I vaguely trusted you, Karl! *to Khan* And what are you, a sheep?!

 **Khan:** *whinnies indignantly*

 **Mulan:** *patiently* Sir, the penalty.

 **Shang:** Ah yes, the penalty! The penalty for treason is death!

 **Kairi:** *glares at Mushu* Before I die, I’m gonna kill you.

 **Mushu:** Eh… eh-heh… *retreats back into Mulan’s collar*

 **Shang:** But then again, Mulan did kind of save my life, so it’d be pretty douchey of me to up and kill her. A life for a life, y’know?

 **Mulan:** Yes! Thank you, Captain!

 **Shang:** Oh, but I’m totally killing you, Karl.

 **Kairi:** I told you, it’s Kairi. Wait, _shit…_

 **Shang:** Well maybe next time don’t commit treason then. *unsheathes his sword* I haven’t decapitated anyone in a good long while, so this may take some time.

 **Kairi:** Umm, okay, ew?! *backs away*

 **Mulan:** Shang, no!

 **Shang:** Shang, yes! *slowly approaches Kairi* Any last words, _woman?_

 **Kairi:** Uh… yes.

 **Shang:** ...Wait, were those your last words?

 **Kairi:** No. That was an indication that I do in fact have last words.

 **Shang:** Oh. Then by all means, continue.

 **Kairi:** Thanks. *clears throat* Uh… you can’t win, Shang! If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine!

 **Shang:** ...Is that from something?

 **Kairi:** Maybe. Yes.

 **Shang:** You’re not cool. Stop pretending that you are.

 **Kairi:** M’kay.

 **Shang:** So anyways, prepare to die or whatever. *raises sword*

 **Kairi:** Um, uh… *fumbles at her side for the portal gun*

 **Shang:** I am moving slowly for dramatic effect.

 **Mulan:** That’s great for you. DILDO ATTACK! *reaches into her trousers and beans Shang in the back of the head with a dildo*

 **Shang:** *drops sword in surprise* _Ow?!_

 **Kairi:** *whips out her gun and activates a portal* Nice one, Mulan! Now get over here!

 **Mulan:** OKAY! *gets over there*

 **Shang:** *nursing bruised skull* The fuck is even happening right now.

 **Kairi:** Don’t worry about it!

 **Mulan:** Uh, just so you know, this whole thing was her idea. I’m just, um… you know…

 **Kairi:** *points gun at Mulan’s head* ...My hostage!

 **Mulan:** *nervously* Hostage, yes, that works. That works. So what now?

 **Kairi:** We warp the heck outta here.

 **Mulan:** Right. Wait, what—?

 **Kairi and Mulan:** *warp the heck outta there*

 **Shang:** The fuck… *to the others* Okay, you all saw that, right? Can someone please explain to me what the hell just happened?

 **Chien-Po:** Well, it appears that you have been duped, sir.

 **Shang:** So I have. Now to pretend like none of that happened! Everything is completely normal, understand?

 **Literally all five men of the entire infantry:** …

 **Shang:** ...Never mind. Come, men! To the palace!

\-----------------------

 **The Burnt Village:** *is there*

 **Kairi and Mulan:** *warp in*

 **Mushu:** *pops out of Mulan’s collar* Okay, you’ve got some explaining to do.

 **Kairi:** You sound eerily like Jiminy Cricket from the original KH games. Please stop. *pauses and studies portal gun* Man, that’s like the first time in a while that I’ve actually warped successfully.

 **Mulan:** Warped?

 **Kairi:** That’s what we just did. We warped from the Summit back to here.

 **Mulan:** ...Uh-huh.

 **Kairi:** It’s, um, how I met you in the first place. I’m not from around here, see?

 **Mulan:** Hence ‘Karl,’ I take it.

 **Kairi:** Yeah. Sorry for not telling you sooner.

 **Mulan:** That’s fine I guess, but there’s something I’ve got to ask. Why did you tell Shang you were a girl? I mean, Mushu obviously blew my secret, but you could’ve stayed hidden. And it’s not like you didn’t know what the penalty was.

 **Kairi:** Hey, what can I say? You’re, like, my sister-in-arms. We’re in this together, no matter what happens.

 **Mulan:** Awww.

 **Kairi:** I know, right?

 **Mulan:** Yeah. Now let’s untape each other’s boobs.

 **Kairi:** Uhh… ‘kay. *becomes visibly red in the face while removing the tape from Mulan, and vice versa* Well that wasn’t awkward.

 **Mulan:** It _wasn’t_ awkward. Don’t make it awkward.

 **Kairi:** M’kay.

 **Mulan:** So I’ve gotta ask: Why warp here, of all places?

 **Kairi:** So we could get away from the troops. But also so I can shoot Mushu back into the mountaintop.

 **Mushu:** Excuse you.

 **Mulan:** Uh, can I ask why?

 **Kairi:** Because virtually every problem we’ve had up to this point has been entirely his fault.

 **Mushu:** Hey! It’s not like _I_ was the one making the bad choices. I was just encouraging you two to do that for me!

 **Kairi:** Well that makes you an enabler then.

 **Mushu:** Does not.

 **Kairi:** Does too.

 **Mushu:** Does not.

 **Kairi:** Does too, you enabling enabler who enables!

 **Mushu:** I’m surprised you didn’t get tongue-tied saying that.

 **Kairi:** Me too, quite honestly. But I digress. *to Mulan* See any stray cannons lying around?

 **Mulan:** Okay, I know you’re angry at Mushu, and you have every right to be. But I’m not totally on board with shooting my family guardian at a mountain more than once, no matter how much of douche he is.

 **Kairi:** What made the first time any different?

 **Mulan:** The first time was unintentional.

 **Kairi:** Sure it was.

 **Mulan:** Look, don’t worry about that right now, we have way more pressing matters to discuss.

 **Kairi:** Like what?

 **Mulan:** Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m kind of screwed. I’ve gotta go home and face my family after… well, you know.

 **Kairi:** I know. I’m so sorry.

 **Mulan:** Hey, it’s not like it’s your fault.

 **Kairi:** Well, it’s not yours either. Honestly, I think the true object of blame is this stupid law. I mean, where I come from, women are allowed to fight.

 **Mulan:** Seriously?

 **Kairi:** Seriously.

 **Mulan:** And… do the men there treat women as they would with other men?

 **Kairi:** You mean as equals? *boisterous laughter* Hell no. We still have wage gaps, believe it or not. And that’s just skimming the surface—we got _loads_ more problems where that came from.

 **Mulan:** ...Huh.

 **Kairi:** Yup. But never mind all that. I’d be happy to take you home… and honestly, if it helps, I’d be more than willing to help you face up to your family.

 **Mulan:** I don’t think it’s gonna matter in the long-run since you’re a total stranger and they have no quarrel with you whatsoever, but thanks for the offer, I appreciate that.

 **Kairi:** No problem. So, you ready to get the heck outta here?

 **Mulan:** Boy am I. *squints up at the sky* Uh… what is that?

 **Shan Yu’s falcon:** *intimidating bird noises*

 **Kairi:** Wow. Those are some intimidating bird noises.

 **Mulan:** Sure are. But seriously, what was that, an eagle?

 **Kairi:** You tell me, I know jackshit about Chinese fauna. *pauses* Well, okay, I know that there are pandas here. But that’s it.

 **Mulan:** …

 **Kairi:** What?

 **Mulan:** I don’t get it. You’re like, relatively intelligent—but I swear, sometimes you say the dumbest shit.

 **Kairi:** Yeah, I know. So like, we done here, or…?

 **Shan Yu:** *has evidently managed to dig himself out of the snow, and is now strutting into the village* Hello.

 **Kairi:** SHIT.

 **Shan Yu:** Guess who’s back, back again.

 **Mulan:** ...Oh hell no.

 **Shan Yu:** Shan Yu’s back, tell a friend.

 **Kairi:** Yeah, okay. Mulan, we’re leaving now. *activates a portal*

 **Shan Yu:** Wait, where are you going?

 **Kairi:** To tell a friend. Goodbye! *warps out with Mulan*

\-----------------------

 **The Encampment:** *is there*

 **Kairi and Mulan:** *warp in*

 **Kairi:** Damn. This is going a little too well.

 **Mulan:** What’s going too well?

 **Kairi:** Usually my portal gun causes me to arrive in an embarrassing fashion.

 **Mulan:** Maybe you’re getting better at using it?

 **Kairi:** Not likely, but I do appreciate you saying that. So anyways, here’s the plan. We find Shang, we warn him about Shan Yu. Got it?

 **Mulan:** Got it. *approaches the Generic Soldier guarding the encampment* ‘Sup.

 **Generic Soldier:** My cousin’s out fighting dragons, and what do I get? Guard duty.

 **Kairi:** Wrong NPC dialogue. Also where’s Shang.

 **Generic Soldier:** I don’t see how that concerns you, _woman_.

 **Kairi:** ...Really?

 **Generic Soldier:** Really.

 **Kairi:** *sighs in resignation* Okay. Mulan, tear his arms off.

 **Mulan:** *cracks knuckles*

 **Generic Soldier:** *hastily* Uh, what I meant to say was, the Captain is on his way to the palace to celebrate the death of Shan Yu. You should be able to find him there.

 **Kairi:** Thanks, guy! *to Mulan* Well, you heard the man—to the palace!

 **Mulan:** Wait, Kairi. I feel the need to express my skepticism over this entire matter. Say we do manage to find Shang—what if he doesn’t believe us? We didn’t exactly leave on the best of terms.

 **Kairi:** You’re telling me, I was the one who was actually gonna be executed! *pauses* But you do have a point.

 **Mulan:** So what do we do?

 **Kairi:** ...You feel like crossdressing again?

 **Mulan:** Hell no.

 **Kairi:** Yeah, me neither.

 **Mulan:** Besides, I don’t think he’d fall for that sort of thing twice. Honestly, it’s kind of a wonder he fell for it the first time.

 **Kairi:** True. But we’ve still gotta do something.

 **Mulan:** You mean _I’ve_ gotta do something. You should probably just sit this one out.

 **Kairi:** What? No way.

 **Mulan:** Kairi. You do realize that you’re _dead_ if he sees you, right?

 **Kairi:** That—hmm…

 **Mulan:** Look, obviously you can come with me to the palace—I’ll be needing you to warp us there, anyway. But whatever happens, _do not_ let Shang see you, understand?

 **Kairi:** *mock salute* Yes sir.

 **Mulan:** ...Don’t say that, it just makes me feel even worse about this whole thing.

 **Kairi:** Right, sorry. TO THE PALACE! *activates portal and warps out with Mulan*

 **Imperial City:** *is remarkably empty, save for Shang, Yao, Chien-Po and Ling, as well as a couple of Generic Soldiers Who Are Acting Rather Suspiciously*

 **Kairi and Mulan:** *warp in and land on top of a two-storied pagoda*

 **Kairi:** See, this is what I meant by an “embarrassing fashion.”

 **Mulan:** I wouldn’t say embarrassing. Annoying, but not embarrassing.

 **Kairi:** Yeah, but I’m trying to impress you right now, so I’d say it qualifies as embarrassing.

 **Mulan:** What?

 **Kairi:** I said that this is one remarkably empty city.

 **Mulan:** Oh. So it is.

 **Kairi:** Also those Generic Soldiers down there are Acting Rather Suspiciously.

 **Mulan:** ...Hmm, yes, I agree with you on both counts. *looks around* Now, how the hell do I get down from here?

 **Kairi:** I, uh, have some rope in my backpack.

 **Mulan:** Sweet.

 **Kairi:** Yep. *Unearths the Real Elvish Rope™ from her backpack and ties it to the finial at the center of the roof* So really all you need to do is climb down this thing.

 **Mulan:** It’s kind of skimpy looking though… is it safe?

 **Kairi:** It’s Real Elvish Rope™. It’s safe.

 **Mulan:** M’kay. Alright, you wait up here and keep out of sight. *climbs down on the rope and runs past the Generic Soldiers and over to Shang* SHAAAAANG!!

 **Shang:** WHAAAAAAAT! *turns to see Mulan* Oh, it’s just you. The hell do you want?

 **Mulan:** Good to see you too. I wanted to tell you that Shan Yu’s alive—I saw him fucking around in the village.

 **Shang:** Right, sure. You seriously expect me to believe that?

 **Mulan:** And here we go.

 **Shang:** Well it’s not like I have any grounds to trust you other than the fact that you saved my life.

 **Mulan:** Shang, those are perfectly reasonable grounds. Also you know I wouldn’t lie to you about this.

 **Shang:** But you _would_ lie about your gender.

 **Mulan:** To prevent my crippled father from having to join the army, yes.

 **Shang:** Well I still don’t trust you. On account of you being female.

 **Mulan:** Oh for crying out loud—WOW, SHAN YU’S FALCON! WHAT A SURPRISING SURPRISE!

 **Shan Yu’s falcon:** *is circling overhead* Caw caw, motherfuckers.

 **Shang:** Oh. Would you look at that.

 **Mulan:** What did I tell you.

 **Shang:** Well just because his falcon’s alive doesn’t mean that _he_ is.

 **Mulan:** Guess again. *points behind Shang*

 **Shan Yu:** *leaps off the palace roof like a badass* Guess who’s back.

 **Mulan:** ...Oh no.

 **Shan Yu:** Back again.

 **Mulan:** Please, no.

 **Shan Yu:** Shan Yu’s back.

 **Mulan:** _Stop._

 **Shan Yu:** Tell a friend.

 **Shang:** *gasps* Shan Yu! What a completely unexpected development!

 **Mulan:** *facepalms*

 **Shan Yu:** Yeah, it sure is a shame that there was no one around to warn you that I was coming.

 **Mulan:** *facepalms even harder*

 **Shan Yu:** Well it was nice chatting with you, but I’m gonna go assassinate your leader now. Bye. *goes to assassinate their leader now*

 **Shang:** Well shit. *turns to the remainder of the infantry* Go chase him or whatever.

 **Yao, Chien-Po, and Ling:** *Go chase him or whatever*

 **Generic Soldiers:** *stand there all suspicious-like*

 **Shang:** Why are you standing there all suspicious-like? That’s an order!

 **Generic Soldiers:** *morph into Heartless*

 **Shang:** Well that’s a damn shame.

 **Mulan:** Ugh, look, I’ll handle this. You get out of here and save the Emperor.

 **Shang:** Are you sure?

 **Mulan:** Yes! Now fuck off.

 **Shang:** ...Uh, ‘kay. *fucks off*

 **Heartless:** Are you sure you can take us? There’s kind of a lot of us.

 **Mulan:** You make a very convincing argument. *starts shouting at the pagoda that Kairi’s on* Hey! Lend me a hand, will ya?

 **Kairi:** I’M ON IT! *begins to very slowly make her way down the rope*

 **Mulan:** No rush! *bonks a Nightwalker on the head with her sword until it disappears* Hey, I’m actually getting pretty good at this! Probably ‘cause my story arc is almost over, though… hmm. Kinda sad to think about, actually. *continues slaughtering the oncoming Heartless*

 **Kairi:** *is now halfway down the rope* I’M ALMOST THERE!

 **Mulan:** *skewers yet another Nightwalker* And I’m almost done. You take forever.

 **Kairi** : THAT IS TRUE. ALSO LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU OR SOMETHING.

 **Mulan:** Wha— *ducks out of the way of an attacking Assault Rider just in time* Whoa!

 **Kairi:** HANG ON, I’LL SAVE YOU! *summons her keyblade whilst hanging from the rope and chucks it at the Assault Rider’s face*

 **Assault Rider:** Gah, my corneas! *disappears*

 **Kairi:** YEET!

 **Mulan:** Hey, nice one!

 **Kairi:** Thanks!

 **Mulan:** Uh, you’re still on the rope, by the way.

 **Kairi:** Oh yeah! *climbs the rest of the way down and runs over to Mulan* Wow. That sure was a doozy.

 **Mulan:** ...But I did like all the fighting.

 **Kairi:** Hey, climbing down the rope was hard, too.

 **Mulan:** It really wasn’t, you’re just out of shape.

 **Kairi:** True. Also we should probably go find Shan Yu or something.

 **Mulan:** No, _I’ll_ go. You wait here and try not to die.

 **Kairi:** Oh, come on, you really think Shang’s gonna kill me right now? He kind of has bigger things to worry about at the moment.

 **Mulan:** That’s fair. But I still don’t want you to come.

 **Kairi:** Too bad, I’m totally coming.

 **Mulan:** Phrasing.

 **Kairi:** What?

 **Mulan:** I mean fine. I said it’s fine. Shit, let’s just go save China already.

 **Kairi:** Right-o. *follows Mulan to go save China already*

 **Palace Gates:** *Are there*

 **Shang, Yao, Chien-Po, and Ling:** *are absolutely nowhere to be seen*

 **Shan Yu:** *is seemingly frozen in time right in front of the gates, hovering menacingly over the Emperor*

 **Kairi:** ...Why isn’t he moving? Is he waiting for us or something?

 **Mulan:** Dunno. *approaches them* ‘Sup. Were you waiting for us or something?

 **Shan Yu:** Why yes. Yes I was. *to the Emperor* I tire of your arrogance, old man. Bow to me!

 **Emperor:** I told you, I have arthritis! I can’t bend over like I used to!

 **Shan Yu:** Then you will kneel in pieces! *raises his sword*

 **Shang:** *Jumps out of nowhere and socks Shan Yu in the face* EAT SHIT!

 **Mulan:** Where the hell did you come from?!

 **Shang:** Don’t worry about it! *escorts the Emperor into the palace*

 **Shan Yu:** *nursing his bruised skull* The fuck is even happening right now.

 **Mulan:** I think you’re supposed to fight us or something.

 **Shan Yu:** *gets up* That sounds about right. Also do I know you from somewhere, or…?

 **Mulan:** Yeah. I took away your victory or something.

 **Shan Yu:** Oh, that’s right, you’re the soldier from the mountains. Well, prepare to die I guess. HYARGGH! *charges at Mulan*

 **Mulan:** MUSHU, LET OUR POWERS COMBINE!

 **Mushu:** *pops out of Mulan’s collar* I HEAR YOU, SISTER! *vomits fire into Shan Yu’s face*

 **Shan Yu:** Kyaaa! *falls on his ass*

 **Kairi:** *to Mulan* Nice one, dude!

 **Mulan:** Thanks, dude!

 **Shan Yu:** Ohoho, you will pay for that! *gets up and punches Mulan*

 **Mulan:** _Ow?!_ *falls backwards*

 **Kairi:** *stares at Shan Yu in horror*

 **Shan Yu:** What? I’m not afraid to hit a girl. *smirks* I’m a rockstar.

 **Shan Yu’s falcon:** *lands on his shoulder in approval* You are _incorrigible_.

 **Shan Yu:** I don’t know the meaning of the word.

 **Ancalime1:** He really doesn’t.

 **Kairi:** *to Shan Yu* You… you cocky cock! You’ll pay for your crimes against humanity! *hurls her keyblade at him*

 **Shan Yu:** *catches it*

 **Kairi:** Dammit.

 **Shan Yu:** Yeah. You should probably try a different tactic.

 **Kairi’s keyblade:** *disappears*

 **Shan Yu:** *starts to charge at Kairi*

 **Mulan:** *gets up just in time and spears Shan Yu through the chest*

 **Shan Yu:** Well that’s a damn shame. *dies*

 **Mulan:** Haha, we did it!

 **Kairi:** ...Nope, that was all you.

 **Mulan:** But you helped.

 **Kairi:** C’mon, did you even see me? I suck at this!

 **Mulan:** Aww… cheer up, guy! You’ll get better!

 **Kairi:** I couldn’t disagree with you more, but I do appreciate you saying that.

 **Mulan:** Oh, you’re just being hard on yourself. Your story arc literally just started a few chapters ago, whereas mine is about to end—character development _will_ happen, I promise.

 **Kairi:** Awww… thanks.

 **Mulan:** No problem.

 **The Emperor:** *is suddenly there* Ah, I see you have killed the one man who was somehow a threat to our entire nation.

 **Mulan:** Yup.

 **The Emperor:** I didn’t ask for your input. *clears his throat* I’ve heard a great deal about you, Fa Mulan.

 **Mulan:** Uh… how?

 **The Emperor:** Shang and I made polite small-talk while you two were fighting Shan Yu.

 **Mulan:** Ah.

 **The Emperor:** Let’s see… you stole your father’s armor, ran away from home, impersonated an Imperial soldier, threw a dildo at your commanding officer, and shamed the entire Chinese army. Dishonor, I say! Dishonor on you, dishonor on your family, and dishonor on your cow.

 **Mulan:** My cow?

 **The Emperor:** Yes, your cow. But never mind all of that. You kind of saved China I guess, so nice job and stuff. I’d bow to you if I didn’t have arthritis.

 **Mulan:** Oh… yay.

 **The Emperor:** Yay indeed. *to Shang* Captain Li, do the thing.

 **Shang:** *pulls Shan Yu’s sword out of his ass and gives it to Mulan, but then sees Kairi* Wait a sec… is that Karl?!

 **Kairi:** ...Shit.

 **Shang:** Ohoho, you are so dead, Karl!

 **Mulan:** Wait, Shang, please don’t kill her. She _kind of_ helped me defeat Shan Yu.

 **Shang:** Oh. Well in that case, you’re _kind of_ spared, Karl.

 **Kairi:** Um. Thanks.

 **The Emperor:** *to Mulan* Well, that’s all you’re getting out of me. No Crest of the Emperor for you. Hahaha!

 **Mulan:** Okay…?

 **Shan Yu’s sword:** *levitates out of Mulan’s hands*

 **Mulan:** Uh… is it supposed to do that?

 **Kairi:** Oh, wait, hang on a sec. *does the thing with the keyhole* Ignore what just happened. None of that happened, okay? Everything is normal.

 **Mulan, Shang, and the Emperor:** …

 **Kairi:** Look, it basically just means that I have to get going now.

 **The Emperor:** Oh. Well that I can deal with.

 **Shang:** What he said.

 **Kairi:** Thanks. *to Mulan* I, uh… I’m gonna miss you, Ping.

 **Mulan:** Heh. You too, Karl.

 **Kairi:** Yep.

 **Mulan:** Uh-huh.

 **Kairi:** …

 **Mulan:** …

 **Kairi:** So does this mean we can make out, or...?

 **Mulan:** What?

 **Kairi:** Uh, nothing, never mind. *to everyone* Uh, bye, everyone! I’ll be back when the plot needs me to come here again!

 **The Emperor:** That’s nice. You’ll probably be missed.

 **Shang:** But it’s not likely.

 **Mulan:** Ignore them. Safe travels, Kairi!

 **Kairi:** Heh, thanks. Take care! *warps out*

 **The Emperor:** *turns to Shang and Mulan* Okay, what the hell did I just witness.

 **Mulan:** Uh, she does that. Just don’t ask. It’s easier not to ask.

 **The Emperor:** M’kay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I just want Kairi to be a lesbian. Is that too much to ask? Probably, but I don't particularly care._


End file.
